I did it!

So I feel a bit better about how I left things yesterday. I did get myself to the gym and ask about my membership. I got my little thing, they took my picture and gave me a tour. So that's one hurdle. Now I just need to get myself going there on a regular basis. I am happy for myself. I'm giving myself some props. It's just that I thought I was over this little anxiety things but I'm not. I've got to stop stretching time out so much. If I did one thing one day, I figure I should be able to do it today. Then I get afraid. So I didn't let myself off the hook this time. I went. I gave myself no alternative. What was the worst that was going to happen…Nothing. I don't want to be that person again. The one who was so anxious about everything, she didn't have any type of life, too afraid to leave her own house. Scared of her own shadow. That keeps me going, knowing I can achieve this results and do them on my on.

I have other things on my mind, like school. Which is something I just want to be finished. Two more weeks, see I stopped going one class but want to finish the other. I already have my bachelor's this was just a certificate. So I can always go back. I just don't want to do it right now anymore. I talked it over with my therapist and he is backing me up on my decision which makes me feel better about it. I mean I know what's best for me and I don't need to explain it to anyone. Especially when I'm paying for it myself.

I'm going to be 25 and I still live at home. I feel like my mom has too much influence on the decisions in my life. I can't afford to move out. I can't even afford to save up with the amount of money I owe. So I'm just trying to form a life on my own. Which is hard with the problems I've had. I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I always wanted to be. It was through a lot of hard work and a lot of suffering. But its my motto, that one must suffer to truly appreciate what they have. It's really what I believe. I don't know if its a good thing or not, but it's what I believe nonetheless.

I'm trying to keep my mind on the positive. I watched this thing on youtube about Liz Murray, her 'life story' was on lifetime, Homeless to Harvard. I've seen it, its a really good movie. But listening to the real woman speak was very inspiring. She said she realized after her mother died from AIDS, that she had to make a choice. To choose a side of living, one of resentment or one of gratitude. And to realize that life doesn't wait for anyone, it just doesn't. So if you keep saying I'm going to do something, but always give yourself an out, by saying I'll do it later. Well it is later. Stop complaining and get what you want out of life, just be prepared to work hard and never give up and to be grateful for the small steps along the way. One day you'll see that it all works out. Because you can never fail if you've tried your absolute hardest.

That's my bit for tonight,

dreamer.

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