I don’t know exactly where to start. My name is Viv I’m a mother of 3 kids in a low income household. A little over 5 years ago I met my fiancé at a small get together for my birthday. We hit it off instantly and for a long time I thought I knew this man was my soulmate. I had 2 kids and everything going for myself 2 cars, an apartment, fair credit etc. We decided to move in together after a year of being together, fast I know…. and everything just started falling apart. I realized he had a pot smoking problem and at first I though it wasn’t a big deal. Pot is pot you know, but that’s just the start. I noticed he was starting to be different  he would take one of my cars to hang with friends and never come home. I started having to pay the bills by myself and I thought to myself, sometimes you have to do more than your part to be supportive for those you love. Everything will be okay and he’ll get it together soon. He got a job doing concrete and he would work 3 am to 1 or 2 pm. Love is blind lol. I started to make excuses for him and his behavior. “He’s just on a different schedule” “ I trust my man I have no reason to question him” About a year later I found out we were pregnant. I was the only one working again and I started to get irritated with how irresponsible he was. I found out he developed a coke addiction right under my nose. Money would come up missing, the kids Nintendo’s, random things I didn’t notice right away. I had a serious talk with him thinking all is going to be ok, communication is key. Lol

I hate how naive I had been. Eventually he got caught up and went to jail. I lost one of my cars. I got a loan to bail him out like an idiot.
It didn’t stop he kept going to jail I’d bail him out falling further into debt more and more. I wanted a family so bad. I wanted him to be the man he was when we met.

I had my son prematurely and had to stay out of work to care for the baby and to physically heal myself as well. I thought he would step up and be a father be a man I needed and support us. Unfortunately I got evicted, lost my car, my job. My other 2 kids had to stay with their father. I was heartbroken because they have always been with me.  Man I must say it was really hard to get it all together but I did. I should have left him but I saw him with our son and it made me feel like I should keep trying for him. I have been doing my best to grab my life back. I feel like a single mother caring for the kids and working full time. I feel so guilty like I was enabling him to ruin him   And us for that matter.

Things have started to get better. I thought my partner gave up his bad habit for us. I was so wrong to thing that. Since the covid 19 pandemic I have been laid off and spending a lot of time around the house and with my kids and of course my partner. I have discovered a new habit. I found his glass dicks and his meth stash. I don’t understand why he would go so far as to expose us to all of this shit again. I ask myself over and over “How do I walk away from the man I love? I know it’s much deeper and he needs me to help him or he’ll just … get worse”  “How can I continue to be with this person who clearly has a substance abuse problem but treats me better than anyone I’ve ever been with?”

I am so lost and don’t know how to cope. I myself have bipolar depression and have a hard time deciding what to do with myself

I have no one to talk to. I don’t know how to get support. I just needed to get it out.
I have kept it to myself for so long and I just feel like,

I know I need to let him go, but what if …

I don’t want to start all over again.
I don’t want to bring any men around my children. I want to be with him but I fear he will only pull me under until I Drown.