Ok where to start i have been needing the help of the tribe for a couple of weeks now but i didn't know how to tell everyone what has been wrong or what has happened in my life for fear of being judged, hated, ridiculed. i warn this not going to be an easy read.
I met someone a year ago fell in love he helped me with my ocd and understood that sometimes i couldn't let him touch me whens days were bad with ocdfor fear of germs and then i began to get better we planned to have a child but unfortunately i had a miscarrage then we moved in together and continued to try to have a child although we couldn't seem to get pregnant but we were still happy being together. Then two weeks ago the police arrived at our door with a search warrent for the house it appeared that indecent images of children was down loaded to our ip address and because he was previouslyconvited of child porn which i knew nothing abouthe was arrested and both mine and his laptops where taken from house the computer and memory sticks. I was besides myself i had no idea what was going on something must be wrong right i trusted this man i fell in love with this man if he was this monster i would know wouldn't i? but no i was fooled now all my neighbours know they don't talk to me some of my family members have disowned me i can't afford to keep the house by myself my wages isn't enough i have to sell everything and move back into my parentshe's in jail waiting on his trial but he calls me i have messages from him on my answering maching i am falling apart self harming again something i had stopped for along time my life and world have been destroyed how to i come back from this and the worst thing is i can't turn my feelings of for him i want to hate him but am concerned about him and miss him does that make me as bad as him am i a peodophile aswell i want to hate hime so much why can't i just hate him.
I am speaking to you as a retired, licensed counselor, and your story is not the first I have heard of it's kind. First, NO! You are not a pedophile, and you did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, the man you fell in love with is very ill, and just because he was good at hiding it from you, doesn't mean you need to feel any guilt over loving him. You are not a mind-reader, nor do you have a crystal ball; you fell in love and trusted this person, and he turned out have been keeping a horrible secret from you. It will be easy for you to feel like you should have "seen the signs", and perhaps that too, is why family and friends are judging you right now – many judgemental people just can't imagine you really didn't know. Well, that is on them, not you. Although it hurts, and you are feeling embarrassed and sick about this whole thing, it is time for you to start making some serious and difficult decisions. The first decision is; do you feel this man can be rehabilitated? This is your decision and the world can judge all they want, because unless they have lived exactly what you are living through, they are not qualified to have an opinion. I will tell you, however, if you have any children or grandchildren or children of any kind in your home, the decision now becomes very simple; he cannot be anywhere near those kids – any kids for that matter, and you must chose the safety of your children over this man, no matter what. If there are no kids in the picture, you have to think about what a future with this man would be like; he will be forever a registered sex-offender and will probably forever fight the urge to act on his unnatural, illegal, and harmful feelings – if you choose to stay with him, you are now just as responsible as he is if anything like this (or something worse) ever happens, because now you KNOW, and are making a concious decision. If you already know it is over and you will never be in a relationship with this person again, there is going to be a grieving process. You cannot just switch off your emotions abruptly, no matter how vile you think this crime is – you are a human being first and foremost, and it will take time to heal. I would suggest finding a support group, either online or in your community for people in your exact situation – I know they exist. My heart goes out to you. You are going through something very confusing and difficult right now and you will experience an array of emotions. You don't have to hate him. You can pity him and hope he gets help. Hate has never solved anything, so don't pressure yourself into thinking you have to feel about him the way society "thinks" you should. At the very least, I would find a therapist so you have someone who can provide support and guide you through this hell – and it's all confidential, which helps. Best of luck, and I am impressed with your bravery in sharing this ordeal with us – I hope the members of this tribe are kind and not cruel if they chose to respond.
Oh Chez I'm so sorry! Definitely listen to Marnella here – she posted good advice.
No you are not a pedophile. And it does not make you a bad person that you're worried about him.
(((hugs)))
I'm sorry 🙁 this sucks. I agree with mythoughts in that you don't seem like a bad person at all… just human. Along my ocd journey, one of the hardest things I've had to work on is not feeling guilty for EVERYTHING… EVERY. LITTLE. THING. You're not a pedophile. But, like marnella explained, you can't just turn off what you're feeling because you don't want to feel it anymore. Maybe try to think through why you feel that way about him still… all those 'good' or comforting qualities he had were the ones you were attracted to. So, those individual features are what you still like and are having a hard time letting go… right?
You are strong and beautiful. Pick out the elements of your life that you are grateful for – even if this situation means the closeness of your relationship will come to an end. I'm sure you both had important times together, so that means there's no reason to regret your time… but maybe if you do something for yourself and focus on 'me' for a little while, you might discover a new beinning…
Just saw this, Chez… I'm so sorry about what happened. Please don't blame yourself for anything here. Some people can hide their thoughts/feelings very well from others. It's no reflection on you.
And it's understandable you still have some feelings for him, even after you now know this about him. You have a year's worth of history with him, compared to a couple of frantic weeks. It doesn't make you as bad as him, and you are not a pedophile. If others can't understand that, it's their own damn problem.
Try to hang in there… it just takes time. Take care.
This is not your fault. He is a manipulator. He manipulated and lied to you. That is what pedo's do. They are very good at fooling people. The only bad thing you did was trust and fall in love with the wrong person. And falling in love never makes you bad. You have to cut yourself some slack hun. It really isnt your faut and in no way does it make you what he is.