Does anyone find midnight to be the time to thrive? Yes, it can be the time of nightmares, disasters, sleepless nights, and finishing up the homework that will be due at 8:00 the next morning (oops). I’ve experienced those nights way too often. However, it can be the time that I can cling to like my favorite blanket.
How do I make the most of these nights?
Turn on my Christmas lights, make some tea, listen to Indie/Folk Compilations (I know it’s stereotypical but I enjoy it 🙂 ), grab my favorite sweatshirt, and do the thing I most love. Blogging.
Okay, so maybe it’s not blogging. It used to be writing journal entry after journal entry to imaginary or real people. Acting as if I was talking to an audience that I couldn’t see. You see, this is where I find my confidence. The courage to do things. Which is so weird for a person with anxiety to say. Talking to a large group of people either through a video (and no, I haven’t done that yet. I’m too worried about my friends and family finding my channel) or a blog is where I can express myself. When I am finally not anxious! (if I talk in front of a crowd in person, then… whew! Get prepared for a disaster).
Midnight is the time to blog because there is no one to disturb me and I can be with the people I choose to interact with. You guys!
Maybe that’s why I’m not nervous. Because I don’t know who is reading this. I’m not expecting a response because I believe in my head that hardly anyone will read this. This entry is more for me to express my thoughts.
Which is also why it takes a while for me to respond to PM’s, texts, and comments. I stare at the notification for thirty minutes, debating to answer, then spend the next hour reshaping my answer and thoughts. Because suddenly everything became so very real and I could mess it up. I could influence someone’s life. I’m scared I could hurt someone.
And even though this blogging thing is a positive experience for me, I’m worried that my happy times at night will come to an end. My parents found out that I have a hard time sleeping, have terrible nightmares, and am suicidal. I’ve called help-lines and used the online chats when I can’t speak because my panic causes my throat to clench. They were upset that I didn’t go to them for help, so they are going to eliminate my ability to access the internet or those help-lines at night so I have to come to them. Wake up my parents in the middle of the night and tell them everything that’s going on inside my head.
I am trying to see the positive in this. But when I talked to my therapist, she said that I should only tell my parents things on my own time. Not feel like I have to tell them things, because that is not a healthy relationship. And when my parents realize I don’t tell them things, they eavesdrop on my conversations (forcing me to come out of the closet… halfway. I managed to not have to tell them everything, thank goodness). I can’t even feel safe talking in my own house now.
So, this might be my last night as a free woman (dramatic, I know. Exaggerations and humor is how I deal with difficult situations). No more writing blogs at night and being on lifeline chats or help-lines. No more talking to people who I feel comfortable with and instead the people who usually cause my panic.
Which explains the ruined stuffed animal.
No, I am not going crazy 😉 . . . I don’t think.
I’ve mentioned this once, but I have Trichotillomania. My therapist recommended that when I have the urge to pull my hair, to pull the hair of my stuffed animals. Why I still have all my stuffed animals from when I was four, I have no idea. The past couple of days, I have been pulling out the hair and threads of my Black Poodle Webkinz. I feel kind of bad for the little guy… taking out all of my frustration on him.
Does this coping mechanism help? A little. It distracts me. Does it cause the sensations to go away? Not really.
Whatever happens in the future, I’m going to make the most of this night. I’ll probably watch “Love, Simon”, maybe read a few books (if anyone has any recommendations, I will gladly take them!), drink more tea, play some Animal Crossing, and binge-watch Supergirl if I have the time.
Don’t worry. This isn’t a goodbye. I’ll still try to write in forums, write blogs, read blogs, and chat. It just might take a bit longer. Or not. Who knows what the future will bring?
Thank you for listening.