Was out looking for cans yesterday. it looked like it could had thurderstormed any time from the clouds towards the horizon. yet I was not shooked. cause if I would had got struck by lightening. I would be more weathier than Bill gates by 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 times. cause money wouldn’t matter anymore. all the bills that keep turning into debts along with all of my debts would also be history, along with all the worry and stress. besides people are so rotton there are not worth coexisting with.
them and their motor vehicles both, whenever I think I’m actually having a ok day, out riding my bike to whereever, they are always there to abuse me. theres no good in this world only pure evil and hate.
things will never change especially since I already lived up 30 years, seems like it’s only giving worse and worse with every passing year.
postive thing though assuming I live to 70 (god forbid)
I don’t mind or fear the idea of dying as much as I used to.
there’s nothing for me in this world anyways.
it’s too pricey to be alive. can’t afford antidepressants or doctor appt’s copays. so im trying to weak myself off really slow, was supposed to be on 100mg of zoloft and 10mg of abilfy (orginally) asked my doctor if he could wean me off of the pills, he agreed to cut me back on the abilify for a while (since it was most pricey) till I wasnt taken it anymore, seemed to do ok for two weeks; till one morning I was riding my bike out to breakfast at some restaurant than some murderer, blew his horn at me and made nasty gesters (so I gave him the middle finger) actually hoping (or not really caring if) he would had pulled out a gun and blown my brains out, than way I wouldn’t have to be forced to listen to the demonic noise ever again, which is a daily thing I have to put up with cause of them driving around beasts would drive those farty fecal things they call motor vehicles. which ruined my breakfast when I got to the restaurant, it was pretty busy, and there I was crying making my face numb. than things went down hill, soon I got fired from my job, other things happened. so next doctor appt I asked if he could put me on resperdol (since he said it was cheaper than abilify) so maybe 3 nights on it, only thing I noticed was I couldn’t get myself off my masturbating, which in turned made me feel worse, So I stopped taking it, so I was just on the zoloft 100mg, than next appt, doctor seemed like he wanted to pull out more money out of me than I could monthly afford when I asked him about a possible payment plan. which I as politely as I could, tried to be very throughal with him, than he wasn’t the only one I owed money too, as they were at least 7 or more creditors I had other than him with a total estimated debt of over $10k, when I only get like 1100 a month from ssi monthly (barely enough to even keep my current bills current) but he didn’t care. so I got a pill spltter from meijer and had been splitting the 100mg of zoloft into two and taking a half daily which I plan to do for at least a year than maybe try to only take a 4th of a pill for a while than just stop taking it all together.
But it has been so miserable all summer long living like that, and since life has to be so sorrowful I don’t mind of idea of death too much, anymore