I'm really scared right now that I completley blew my chances of ever getting mty boyfriend to want to marry me.   We had his friend's wedding yesterday, and it was possibly one of the scariest days that I've had to experience in a while….it was CONSTANT EXPOSURE that I DIDN'T WANT YET….First, off, the situtation was scary from the beginning for me, just because it was a BIG social event, which alone, make me VERY ANXIOUS AND my boyfriend was in the Bridal Party, which meant a few things……One, he was going to have to walk down the isle with ANOTHER GIRL, arm in arm, which was scary for me to see, but i was able to tolerate it atleast, but the WORST was at the reception.

He told me in the car, on the way there, "I might have to dance with the girl, I'll try to see if I can get out of it, but I might end up having to,"   he knows EVERYTHING about my Relationship OCD, so I guess he was preparing me.  Once we GET to the reception, IT HAPPENED…..I had to watch him dance WITH ANOTHER GIRL WITH HIS ARMS AND HANDS ON HER WAIST…and I DIED INSIDE.  I had this RUSH OF ADRENELIN, and I felt like I was in a dream until the dance stopped and he sees me staring at him with this look of HORROR on my face…..I looked at him and he called "Jess!"…and I turned around and ran out of the room and he came after me, trying to call me back, but I couldn't face him, so I kept going.  I got to a dead end in the hallway, and he took my by the shoulders and said "I TOLD you that I might have to dance with the girl, I'm sorry,"  and I, at this point, still felt this OTHERWORLDY SHOCK AND PAIN and could only say…" Just stay away from me right now, I can't deal with this."  He continued to tell me, that he was sorry and that he tried to ask someone else to dance with her, but the other guy said no, and kept saying, "It didn't mean anything!"  But I still just couldn't look at him, it hurt too much.  Then when he said IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING, I responded, "Yeah you well it didin't look that way WHEN YOU WERE LOCKED EYES WITH HER SMILING AND LAUGHING THE ENTIRE TIME!"……He told me he was"just being polite," but I still can't stop thinking…"I THINK HE ENJOYED IT A LITTLE TOO MUCH, HE WANTS TO PLAY THE FIELD."  But I didn't tell him I was thinking that….instead after a few more minutes, when my heart rate returned back to normal and I started to calm down, I told him that I understood and that I can go back inside with him….it took me about a half hour to finally be able to return back to a normal state, and he kept asking me if I was ok during that time and saying, "Ok, ok, its over," but I kept telling him, I know its over, but the shock has to wear off.  He seemed to understand, and eventually, I returned back to myself after about a half hr period and everything was FINE…but now I feel like I RUINED HIS NIGHT AND HE IS SERIOUSLY THINKING…" HOW THE HELL COULD I SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THIS PSYCHO!" I HATTTTE MYSELF, I HATE THIS!! AND THERES NO WAY THAT HE WILL WANT TO CONTINUE LOVING ME NOW! I HATE EVERYTHING AND I HHHHATE OBSESSING OVER HIM AND ANYONE ELSE WHO I LOVE….HOW CAN GOD LET ME HAVE THIS, now I'll NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE MY DREAM OF MARRYING HAPPILY AND HAAVING A FAMILY