Hello. I just want to write out my reflection of this past month on how I ended up here, and how I’ve been recovering since then.  Feel free to read it as you wish. This is only my experience in which I’m willing to share as part of my recovery. 

Note: This journal entry is quite long, so if it’s too much or difficult to read, you can scroll all the way down to see the TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read) version of it.

Earlier this month of March, I basically had lost myself and went on a complete mental breakdown. I even almost attempted to end my own life. I lashed out at 2 people I am very close with, one of them being my significant other. However the other one, who was actually my best friend, never directly responded, but rather made the decision to cut me off permanently. I only knew about this the day after I reached out for help for the first time of my life.

As I was writing this beginning part of my story, I was currently in the grieving process of losing one of my best friends because I was not in the right state of my mind on that day. I have never experienced this situation before, and it was probably the worst experience I’ve had, because this behavior I’ve committed was completely abnormal. The past week until that incident, I was actually fine. It was a sudden emotional trigger that overwhelmed me to the point that I couldn’t bear it anymore.

To give some background, me and my now former best friend (they/them), we used to hang out almost every day online since I’ve moved back to the US. We even hung out as normal the day before the incident happened. We’ve met each other since college along with my significant other. So I technically studied overseas. Then since mid-2019, I’ve moved back to my city, just a few months after I graduated. We’ve managed to keep in touch since then, even during the pandemic. The three of us were very close friends together for the past few years. Both me and my former best friend were also freelance artists and online streamers, so we even did a lot of fun things together online.

But just around the beginning of this month, that’s where I finally broke myself inside. I was completely suicidal and cried out both insane laughter and pain. It was like I suddenly snapped into a dark void and tried to destroy a lot of things that I used to enjoy having. So I end up lashing out in both anger and sadness. From what I have remembered, I cried out wanting to die and wanting to disappear. There were also so many painful and traumatic memories overflooding inside my head. Because I held them inside for so long, it was as if a balloon just popped by one prick of a needle. I just couldn’t bear it. So I ended up saying a lot of hurtful words to both my former best friend and my significant other.

Among the words of rage and sadness I’ve lashed out, I also mentioned one other person who I was also hurt by previously, and this person was also close with my former best friend. I never met her in real life but she also graduated from the same university we attended. It’s a small world. I got stood up by this person few months ago because she never confronted me how she felt about me honestly but end up telling them instead. So to me, it felt like I was stabbed behind my back, because I never knew about this until several weeks after we both stopped talking to each other. My former best friend didn’t brought it up and assumed we both made a compromise that this was a whole misunderstanding where I thought she hated me and vice versa.

She never really spoke to me for another few weeks. I was really hurt by this, so I later opened up about wanting to cut ties with her as she couldn’t seem to confront me at all. My best friend at that time understood that and was also disappointed by how this came around. So until around mid-February of this year, I no longer felt comfortable seeing her around, and I was advised by them that I could just mute/ block her so I wouldn’t have to see her online anymore. I also understood that they are still friends to each other, and so we moved on from it.

However, during my mental crisis on that night, I was probably still hurt by both of them because of how the situation was mishandled. I wished she’d at least apologize to me. So I called her a bad friend for it. My mind kept demanding me to scream it out. So that part I lashed out to my former best friend and significant other. And because it was stacked along with other problems I’ve been traumatized in the past, I was filled with so much anger and sadness that night, and so I ended up saying a lot of hurtful things to both of them as well. To top it all off, I also ended up ruining a lot of things I’ve personally made and worked very hard on.

I can’t seem to recall what exactly caused it. I was just drawing as normal that evening. I might have been overthinking again at that time. I remember feeling like as if everyone was against me. I also remember feeling my chest was pounding hard on that night. Then I remembered I started the conversation with my former best friend saying that I feel like sh*t. And shortly after that, everything fell apart down there.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I just felt like destroying everything around me and wanting to end myself for good. It was so terrible that I became very suicidal out of nowhere and even almost attempted. When I realized what I’ve done to myself after a few hours, I immediately had to find a way to seek help. So I reached out to Crisis Lifeline. I was very desperate at that time. But fortunately I did not place myself in any kind of danger.

I never reached out before because I didn’t believe that I deserve to seek help, and I couldn’t even afford therapy services. So when I finally looked it up, I’m glad there was an option to chat with somebody online, since I’m not comfortable with phone calling.

And so, I finally reached out very late at night for help and met my first crisis counselor.

The first crisis counselor I’ve met was able to listen through many of my traumatic experiences I was willing to share with him. The conversation lasted more than 2 hours if I remembered correctly. I didn’t know what else to do or who else to reach out at that time. This counselor was able to provide me a document of some of the groundbreaking techniques of how I can deal with trauma without having to harm myself. Then he wanted to reach out to me later on within the week to check on me, and told me about a safety plan that I should have in case another situation like this would occur again. While processing everything that had happened, I shut myself out from accessing my phone and social media for a day or two.

Then sometime during the weekend, I finally opened up to my mother on what had happened and admitted what I’ve done. I was hesitant to tell her immediately about this because I didn’t think she would believe what I was going through. I even thought she wouldn’t believe that one of her children could be depressed. This is coming from a past experience because her reactions really vary. And I was still hurt by some of her responses back then. But this time, she became more understanding now. She realized how much I was in pain, and reminded me that she’s still there for me, and I would have to think about her, and also try to pray, if ever I end up feeling like losing myself again.

Afterwards, I also decided to check on my phone as a habit because I had no one else to talk to, only to realize I’ve been getting missed calls from my significant other. So I decided to call him back after taking some time to breathe, and I managed to tell him everything that happened and why I lashed out at him and my former best friend. He felt very concerned and worried because he knew the stuff I said during my mental breakdown was very unlikely of me and out of nowhere. He knew I didn’t mean any of those things, because we’ve already had our fair share of fights and arguments back then, but this was something I don’t usually do.

As I looked at through my messages and notifications, that’s when I realized that it was only my significant other who responded to my mental breakdown, and not my former best friend. Then some days after, that’s when I finally found out that my former best friend has unfriended, unfollowed, and probably even blocked me everywhere we’ve been together on, especially on some of the gaming platforms. My partner tried to reach them by phone call a few times during the weekend but to no avail. So he left them a text message. He eventually received a text back from them on the following day, stating that they’re actually doing okay.

As if nothing ever happened.

As he told me this, he felt really disappointed in them. And so I realized, I was ultimately ghosted and cut off by what they used to be my best friend. Because of that stupid night where my mind was consumed by my rage of emotions and past trauma.

Just shortly after I was finally seeking help, I ended up grieving and feeling depressed. I even ended up constantly thinking how it would be if I didn’t mentally breakdown that day. But there’s no point because it was too late to change anything. I then reached out to Crisis Lifeline again because I didn’t know how to cope with it since it was hurting me a lot inside and it made me sick that I was no longer motivated to do anything at all. I even ended up blaming myself for everything that had happened. At that time, I felt really hopeless about my life.

The second crisis counselor I’ve reached out to has offered me plentiful of resources of where I can look for therapy (if I could ever afford one in my area), additional coping strategies I should try out, and even suggested to me a place where I can look through various support groups and online communities I could join as I try to recover. I forgot to mention that crisis counselors couldn’t give advices, as they could only do so much as to providing ways to help us and where we can go to get some kind of help we need, like suggesting me in joining this platform here.

Anyway, for the rest of the week, I was unable to function normally due to this grief. It was a huge loss to me.  I’ve lost my appetite, felt more tired to do any daily activity, and I couldn’t even go back to my computer where I usually do my work. All I could think about was waiting for a follow-up email from Crisis. And while waiting for another few days, time felt really slow. I only had the energy to just use my phone since I couldn’t get out of bed for the rest of the week, and decided to look through a list of support groups I could join as my crisis counselor had suggested. Fortunately, I found one that suited my needs.

I didn’t have experience with support groups before, so this was my first time participating in one. I managed to join the meeting as soon after I emailed in advance if it was still running. So as of this writing, it has actually been over 2 weeks since I’ve been attending the meetings and getting to learn the recovery program. And for more than a week, I’ve joined an email group where I can get to write my reflections daily. I’ve been sharing as much as I could, in order to relieve myself from this pain I’ve endured.

Other than the support group, I was then reached out by some other friends that I eventually opened up to about what I was going through, as well as my sister. One of my other friends who I also met online was already acquainted with both me and my former best friend. Although he was never involved with the incident, or even aware of it, he opened up to me that he was blocked and banned from communicating with my former best friend and their online streams. I didn’t understand why, but he said he didn’t really care for it, and later told me they weren’t worth it anymore. Some others suggest they might change their mind one day, but I highly doubt it as of now.

As for my significant other, he was not very surprised of how my former best friend responded to this type of situation by cutting ties off without saying anything. He knew more than I thought I’ve known about them, and felt really sorry that I had to experience it. So my remaining friends overall told me that I just need to try and move on from what had happened, and focus on my own recovery. So I’ve been trying to do that since.

There were some moments and days where I almost relapsed during my recovery journey. My sister learned that people tend to say or yell out things they don’t mean, and was also upset by this situation because me and my former best friend were so close for several years.

There were also times I’ve wondered if I needed to apologize for what I’ve done, but my significant other believed that the only person I should apologize to, is myself.

And he was right.

The support group has also helped me realize a lot of things during these past few weeks. My emotions got the best of me on that day, and it was something I could not control. And whatever that outcome was, is a reality I’ll have to eventually accept. I’ll have to learn to try to accept my emotions, and not suppress them. I’ve also learned that my life doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around other people, like them, and vice versa.

During my recovery, I’ve been readjusting and dissecting everything that I am without my former friend. We used to support each other, and open up to each other about a lot of things. We even used to gift each other games and commission each other for artworks.

But after more than 7 years of our friendship, they made a conscientious choice to throw it away, just because I was not okay that day. The words I have said may have been hurtful, but in the end, to me, it seemed conscientious of them to do that, instead of talking to me. To block me and unfollow me on so many different platforms including consoles takes a bit of effort, especially in several games and consoles that we used to play together. I was completely wiped off from them probably within less than a day. I thought they knew better than that. But I guess I was wrong. So I’ve eventually accepted this outcome, and realized that I didn’t deserve them anymore, nor they deserved me. I still have records of the conversations of my mental breakdown, but they’re now archived for the sake of my recovery.

I made a courageous choice to reach out for help. So for the past few weeks, I am very grateful that I was able to get my own support network that I needed to help me recover, and overcome this wrongdoing where I was unable to manage my emotions. The program I’ve joined has so far helped me realize my emotions better, and that I must not only learn how to manage them but also embrace them and accept myself for what I am. I even began looking up to God again for guidance and blessings on this journey. Hopefully in the future, I’ll be able to become myself again.

In the end, I’ll never forget this pain. I just have to learn from it and let it be part of my experience in this lifetime.

TL;DR:

I had a mental breakdown and suicide attempt that resulted a friendship breakup of 7 years as they decided to cut me off permanently without a word. I’ve reached out for help from Crisis Lifeline twice to help me both with my mental crisis and cope with this grief. Although I cannot afford any therapy services at this time, I’ve eventually been able to find my own support network for my recovery, and also have been attending meetings of the recovery program for the past 2-3 weeks since the incident.

This took me like several days to write this. I think I can end it here for now since it’s quite a long entry already. But if you made it all the way down here, thank you for reading my story.