This entire thing is about that one sad mistake that ruins an entire, perfect moment. If I had just gone in for that one kiss. It's such a sad, foolish thing to dwell on. It was my moment of hesitation that instilled the doubt in her mind and started me on a long downward spiral of shame and longing. I could have always blamed it on being a little bit drunk. That was our kiss. We had earned it. It was our perfect frozen moment in time and was almost the culmination of my entire life. I should have never let being with someone stop me…or maybe I should have. It may be a good thing that she now knows I am not the type to start a relationship while already involved. I think maybe she is trying to get back at me by showing me what I have been doing to women all of these years. I don't know. It just seemed that by the time I was ready, she found me unfit. Maybe it was only the fact that I was taken which attracted her….
I have been saying to myself for years that if there is such a thing as destiny, I have made so many poor choices that I would never find the correct path again. But regardless of how far off the path I am, these moments keep presenting themselves, and I keep balking at them, sending me spinning off in a whole new diretcion in which awful things happen one after the other from my wrong decision. So even if I can't find the right path again, so what? The important thing is my ability to negotiate the path I'm on. Maybe telling myself that I'm always on the wrong path makes me doubt any of the decisions I have to make. Maybe kissing her would have brought me into this place of getting too serious before I was ready. Maybe I did show remarkable restraint in that moment, but it doesn't help that I didn't have a single moment of it after that.
If you are not happy with your present situation – change it. That is where your time and energy should be focussed right now. Not on the past. You cannot change anything that's already been done.
I'm wondering why you keep putting yourself in situations that would present you with opportunities to foul up your life? Is it some kind of latent desire for self-destruction? A cry for someone to come rescue you – but then a chickening-out when the rescue personnel show up? If so, KNOCK IT OFF! 🙂
Stop torturing yourself by romantacizing the past. There is no such thing as a "perfect" moment. You mentioned you were with someone at that time of this allegedly "perfect" moment. That's one way the moment wasn't perfect. A "perfect" moment would have been where you were both available and both ready. And, for all you know, the kiss could have fallen flat. There may not be the chemistry you think there is (or it's only one-sided). Or, maybe one (or both) of you had rotten breath or were a bad kisser or something. You are only focussing on your current unhappiness and what you think would make you happy. (Been there, done that one, too.) Instead of wasting time and energy beating yourself up, invest that into fixing whatever is wrong with your current situation.
My breath was definitely not the problem. I had planned so far ahead all day to make sure everything was as perfect as could be, and in the end the one thing which wasn’t perfect was myself. I wish I knew how I could change, or that rescue could be so clear-cut.. I feel like I am trying everything. I guess I never expected this to happen overnight anyway. Even if everything was truly perfect at first, but I came across as a little bit crazy in the subsequent string of screw-ups, is there really any chance she will find me as someone desirable in the long-term? Would anyone seriously consider someone who refuses friendship and then texts as much as I did when she specifically asked me to stop? Is there hope for any guy to rekindle a relationship with a girl who he made to “feel stalked”?