I don't even know where to start when I want to talk about anything, my head is constantly filled with thoughts jumbled around in my head and never making connections. They are thoughts of misery, confusion, and why I will always be alone in my life. I would kill myself, but it scares me and I want to be alive I just don't care to live my own life but to watch others. Everyday I watch everyone else form connections and friendships around me, or even a simple conversation that I am unable to have. I admire how everyone else is, everyone else seems to know who they are or what they want in life. I have no clue and it is never consistent, one day I may think I know what I want and then it changes the next. I never know what kind of person I am, what I am really interested in, I cannot stick to a '"type" of person and therefore I feel I am unable to connect with people. I actually hate people, I think they are so fake and have only encountered one person ever in my life that I believe to be genuine and I have now lost that person.

And I am sorry if this makes no sense, this is how scatter-brained I am not knowing where to start to fix who I am.

I do not know where I want to be in this life, I am overwhelmed by so many options I never know if I am making the right choice and it always turns out that I never do make the right choice.

This is the lowest I have ever felt in my life and I have struggled with depression since I was 14, but now I can tell I am really changing because things really do not make me happy anymore and I am so tired of pretending. It's exhausting. Nothing keeps my interest, even writing this blog and now I don't even want to write it anymore… I guess next time I write I'll have a specific topic because this is just me ranting