: I can't get myself to move out of my apartment and it's probably just going to come down to they're going to have take all my stuff in the apartment and throw it on the lawn…..

I'm a combustible mix of anger, fear, and sadness,,,,

Was on a "roll" for a awhile relatively speaking, if you can even call it that,,,even was relatively okay during my Dad's illness and death, as well as can be expected under the circumstances. But…..first major crisis in a long time comes upon me, and I'm crumbling.

Also, my other best friend lectured me about what a selfish person I am who only thinks about himself in an apparent act of solidarity with the best friend whom I mentioned in my last blog that I appear to be on the verge of ending my friendship with,,,,apparently, the other friend is willing to throw in with him on that too. So that's two best friends I'm going to lose,,,and I'm sad and upset about it and wish to hell all this wasn't going on at the same time as this other situation. I know I'm not perfect. I know that I need to continuously work on being a better person and learn to become more selfless. But as flawed as I am, I refuse to believe I'm a horrible person on the whole like i used to.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to begin. I don't want to move….I don't want to stay, Either decision will be horribly wrong. I wish I lived in another town where nobody knew me, but…that's a fantasy tangent I'll resist getting off on.

I have no one to help me. No money for a u-haul. No money to hire someone to clean. No money to even buy empty boxes. No one wants to lend me any money for any of that—I'm not about to ask them, regardless….no, this is meant to be settled in humiliating fashion for me. With my stuff thrown out on the lawn for all the residents to see, with me grabbing as much stuff as I can and putting it in my car.

The Landlord has called me twice in the last three days and I haven't even bothered to answer or listen to the messages they left for me on my voicemail because I'm having such anxiety over this as it is, and I fear that if they left any kind of message yelling at me or threatening me in any sort of way, it will only add to the anxiety.

I've convinced myself that this is how it was meant to be "resolved". It's "God's will", or the will of the Universe, or whatever.. perhaps….I don't know. Because I don't know, if I can endure such a humiliating and embarrassing situation, if I don't die from the embarrasment, don't somehow have a fatal anxiety/panic attack over it that perhaps it will make me stronger in the long run? Maybe that's what it is?

All this on top of the fact that I never offcially made a decision to move in with my mother or not. So maybe it all boils down to I'm so determined/afraid to make a decision since I know that either one will be the wrong one, so I'm letting things "play out" so the decision is forced upon me. That's not the right way to make decisions. That's no way to live life. I'm doing it all wrong…I'm doing it all wrong….just like I always have.