I wish we could check multiple things for our mood or at least write in what we want. My mood is sad, depressed and angry all at once.

I see where I haven't checked DT since mid November. So much has happened since then. I had been going non-stop. The pace kept me from feeling depression. It is not to say I wasn't depressed, it's just that I had no time to feel it.

My family and I spent Thanksgiving with my parents. A few days after I left, Dad decided to quit dialysis and go on Hospice. I went back less than a week after I had returned home as I knew my Dad had less than two weeks left. I was rear-ended outside of Beaumont, TX, about halfway to my parents. Car was totaled. Had to spend the night there. Dealing with insurance has been awful. I am/was not prepared to pick out a new vehicle. I am paralyzed in that regard. I am able to drive my Dad's 2006 Lincoln until I do decide. More on the car at another time. There is a lot of symbolism with the Mini-van.

I stayed for almost a week with Dad. There was LOTS of drama. A granddaughter who had not seen him in almost 6 years came to visit. (They had exchanged letters and phone calls) My Mom does not like her and thinks she was using my Dad. I disagreed with Mom until after Dad's death. I had also arranged for my estranged sister to see Dad. This made Mom hit the roof and almost cost me my relationship with her. I am so sorry I had done it. I did not know Mom would be so hurt. I thought I was helping my Dad in his dying days, but all I did was allow my self-centered sister a chance to absolve herself of any guilt without admitting any wrong doing or accepting responsibility for her actions over a lifetime. So much of this became apparent with her actions and responses after Dad's death.

Dad died on December 16. My daughter got married on December 21. I had wanted to go to Mom's on the 22, but was too tired. So, My husband, son and I drove out on the 23. The two of them left on the 26 so my husband could go to a bowl game and my son had winter Boy Scout camp. They and my daughter and son-in-law returned in time for a January 5 Memorial Service. Because my sister and her daughter were not welcome, I did not tell them of the service. We told them when Dad died, but my sister scolded me through a text about wantingto call her daughter. (I HATE when people send texts about things that should be discussed in person or at least on the phone). She felt it was her place to tell her about Dad, "after all, I amher mother." My sister had not had a relationship with our father in over 5 years! What PLACE does she have at all? Besides, her daughter is an adult, 26 years old! Fine, I thought. I won't respond and I will not communicate with either of them unless they call me. After the service, another sister and I were getting texts from both of them (plus the daughter/niece who precipitated the whole estrangement) about "not caring about their mother's feelings" and leaving her out by not telling her when the service was. Hello? Pick up the phone! It runs both ways! Check the obit with the funeral home. Unfortunately, we have a cousin who came and talked at the service who then posted on Facebook. (I never post stuff like that on Facebook. Not appropriate. Forgot to ask him not to). And what about Mom and Dad's feelings for the past 5 years? It boils down to my sister chose to believe her conniving lying daughter (who was 21 at the time) over Mom, Dad, a sister and two nieces and plus a few friends. She refused to listen to my Mom and Dad's side of the story. She cut them out of her life. That is until she changed her mind as she realized she would be cut out of their will. She tried to say, I never meant to cut them out forever. Hmm, what does "He's already dead to me" mean? What about "No amount of money is worth this?" She was the biggest user. She and her kids excluded and made fun of mine. She only went to Mom and Dad when she needed something. Itmakes me sick. I thought by facilitating the meeting she would apologize for her actions and ask for forgiveness. I was wrong.

Well, now I have to deal with this narcissistthis weekend. We are having a Memorial Service in Dad's hometown. The cousin who blabbed on Facebook has invited her. I never thought she'd come as she hasn't had anything to do with Dad's family or hometown in over 25 years. She has even written a "Tribute" to Dad she wants read. Wow, how lame. How about having done something useful when Dad was alive? How about making amends for all the pain you have caused this family? No, it is all about youand how youlook. The loving daughter who has always been misunderstood. You were never misunderstood when you asked for and cashed those checks. Of course, you never wrote a thank you for any of the money and gifts you ever received from Mom and Dad. Dad said he received one thank you from only one person in your family. That's it. One.

I could choose not to attend, but I am a bigger person than that. I just wish I could see her privately before going. I do not think we should attempt to resolve anything or have any confrontation in front of extended family and Dad's childhood friends. When she and her daughter had texted me, I told them I would not read the texts. I do not discuss important matters through texts. If they had a problem with something I did, then call me. My sister continued to text. So I blocked her after telling her I was blocking her. I still have a landline, she can still call me. Her daughter messaged me through Facebook. I told her I would not read it and to call. I then blocked her from messaging me. She can still call my cell phone. (Which I think she accidentallydid late one night. I had a missed facetime call from her. But since it was at 11:50PM, I'm sure it was an accident).

I really am not in the right frame of mind to deal with these people. I have been having to sort through Dad's paperwork nightmare. He is three years behind on taxes. He said he had the 2012 done before he died, but the accountant has called me with questions. Sadly, my mom is clueless when it comes to money and bills. Dad wouldn't let her pay them. He did all kind of business deals without her knowing about them. As I have reviewed 2011 taxes, I see where he was a HORRIBLE businessman. He lost a lot of money. A few years ago he gave me an accounting of his assets: about $3.2 million. Before he died, he gave me another accounting: $2 million. When we were alone I asked him what happened to the other $1.2 mil. He gave me a few things of losses, but nothing to account for $1.2 mil! I'm sure I will never find it all. I just need to get things right with the IRS and simplify everything so Mom can live comfortably. Sadly, that means that the younger grandkids will not get the college support that the older ones had. (The estranged sister's kids and another certainly got theirs. Mine and another sister's will not). I guess if you want stuff you have to go take it. But that is not how I operate. I am a giver, not a taker.

With all this drama, I have lost my Dad to talk to. I could tell him stuff and know it would not go any further. I cannot trust my other two sisters I still talk with to do that. They love drama and spreading it, even when it hurts Mom. I have begged them to keep quiet about the shenanigans of the estranged sister so Mom will not be hurt. Why tell her crap she can do nothing about and will only bring up bad feelings? She is in no state of mind to handle it. Italk with my husband. He is a lot of help, but he is also a very busy man this time of year. He has been writing evaluations and giving performance reviews of all his employees. He is ahead of the game, but he has other issues as a lot of equipment(40+ years old) at work is breaking. He is just under a lot of stress.

I don't want to burden my own daughter who is newly married and still in college. She has enough on her plate. I have to encourage her to pull away from me and draw closer to her husband, while working and going to classes. They never lived together before marriage so they have a lot to get used to just occupying the same space and adjusting to each other's routine. Sadly my daughter has anxiety issues so she has some specific needs of down time, alone time and whatnot. He has been really good with that for the most part.

Just got a call from my psychiatrist. Insurance contacted him and does not like that he writes my WellbutrinXL as 2 x 150 mg. They only allow 1 tablet a day. He wrote it that way because I went from 300 to 450. Then when Iwent back down to 300, I asked to keep it as 150's so if I ever needed to go back up or go down, I could without getting a new script. Since these are extended release, you cannot break the tablets to get the dose you want. I also have to buy in 90 day supplies. I can't tell you how much medicine I have sitting in my cabinet that I cannot take because the type or dosage changed right after getting a 90 day supply. (I know I shouldn't hang on to it, but I do in case I ever go back to that med or dosage. I do throw out when it gets old. The unused Prozac went to my dog). I hate how insurance micro-manages stuff thinking they are saving money when in reality it is costing them and me more.

So I have rambled and ranted long enough. I have an appointment with my therapist in 45 minutes and I still have to take a shower. If you have made it this far, thanks for listening. If you skipped to the bottom, thanks for trying and for reading whatever you did read. I don't mean to bore any of you. It just feels better now that I have written it, and it's OK of no one even reads this.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 6 years ago

    If you want peace, you will forgive. You need to let go of all these feelings before they make you physically ill. I suspect the therapist may suggest the same thing as you sort out your feelings.

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