I cannot believe how long it's been since I've logged in here… 2 years I guess. Things have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit down and type, but a lot of it has to do with my progress. There have been a lot of ups and downs but thankfully more ups than downs. 2 years ago I went back to work after finishing my maternity leave. I still have my germ phobias and I still sometimes have a hard time at work because I work with children and unfortunately, kids aren't all that clean. I do what I can and have a lot of hand sanitizer available. My ocd wad manageable and I am pretty happy. Having my little boy saved me. He challenges my ocd in a gradual way and has helped me get over some, if not most, of my bad habits. I used to have to take a shower every time I did laundry, but now, I just pop it in at night, dry in the morning, or I pop it in when I get home and just change my clothes since I always change our close after being outside. It's been such a relief not having that stress. And now that I have a newborn as well as a toddler, the ongoing busyness doesn't leave me time to obsess.. As much. I am forced to deal with my OCD head on. However, this week has been such a tough week. I was on the brink of a full out panic attack and I haven't had them in years. I was at the mall with my kids and we were waiting in line for our smoothie. My son was reaching up to grab a straw and when I looked down at him, I noticed black pencil lead sized specks in the corner by where he was standing… it was mouse poop.. my heart jumped and I was having a hard time breathing. Immediately I thought of hantavirus.. the respiratory disease that you can catch from mouse droppings. I had picked up my son a few times while waiting for our drinks and so I was panicking that it was on me, the droppings were on him, droppings might have fallen onto my daughter in the stroller…and the list goes on. I was with my sister in law and her son and they had also gotten a drink. I tried hard to not let my panic show. I grabbed some straws and made my way over to her and told her about it. I didn't think much of it then, but my son and I shared the drink together with the straw. The straw wasn't wrapped, so after we finished drinking, I started panicking about whether the mouse had climbed onto the counter and contaminated the straws. My Internet research tells me that the virus is rare and only found in field mice. It somewhat eased my mind, but kept me up most of the night. I spent a lot time cleaning today. Wiping and washing everything that I had with me at the mall. Thankfully, my son was with my in laws and my daughter was sleeping. I took too many showers and my heart pumped too many times. I can't remember the last time I felt this way and obsessed this much. It's really show much far I've come, but it worries me that it can come back this easily. I think because I haven't been sleeping much and the lack of sleep doesn't allow me to use the coping mechanisms that I've developed. Also, due to some recent traumas that I've read about on the news, I became fearful this week for the safety of my family. But, I have to remmeber how I was 7 years ago and see where I am today. What a difference. I can honestly say that I feel like I'm about 90% better than I was then. But the last couple of days, I was basically back to how I was 7 years ago. Quite a shift and not where I want to be. However, tomorrow is a brand new day and I hope and pray that I can be back up there and keep fighting this terrible disorder. Wishing those who read my blog a good night and good luck with fighting this disorder tomorrow. Be strong. We can all get through this together.