Its been a while since I have been here. Most of the time when I do blog its because I need to filter something out. Or some hoe express myself so that I wont blow up in other people faces or even over share. This is the place where I put my thoughts that I feel I cant share with other people.
Its a Wednesday and I was driving to get lunch today, the weather is perfect its the month of November and I don’t feel as unhappy as I use to feel. I don’t feel the misery I use to feel the moment I wake up. I don’t feel like im alone anymore. I say that because I use to feel like no one wanted to be around me, no one wanted to talk to me, no one wanted to get to know the real me, no one wanted to listen to me. Somewhere along the months of leaving M I found stability. I found people who I can chat with and sometimes even help.
I was laying in bed last night listening to a few new songs that were suggested to me and I couldn’t help but feel some kind of euphoria. I felt pure happiness laying alone and in my own space of my own company. I really never thought I would get here. I knew I was capable.
OHHHHH I forgot to mention that I achieved THREE major goals I set for myself this year and I have never been more proud of myself. I didn’t need others to be proud but It was a plus. A lot of these accomplishment I have had I haven’t share with many. I haven’t told my family about how close I am to paying off my school. I havent told my friends that I finally got my DRIVERS LICENSE. I went and traveled on my own money and didn’t need to ask for permission. The most important one was I GOT A JOB to help support my self.
I remember thinking back why can’t I push myself, why can’t I just get the BALLS to do what I need to do to take care of myself? I asked myself so many time why are you crying, why are you crying, why are you sobbing, why do you put yourself through all this pain? I kept beating myself.
I guess it was both a good thing and a bad thing because I am not longer where I use to be. I have never been more proud of how I keep looking out for myself, how I keep focused on what I want and changing into the person who I am.
Which is kind, thoughtful, stern, eager, calm, in touch with my emotions, resilient and most of all capable. No one can ever change those things about myself but me. I love you future me If you end up reading this again.
Never forget that if no one believes in you I believe you, therefore you should always believe in yourself BOOBOO.