How can you ever get closure ???

How do you get over the loss of your father when all you saw was a man who didnt wanna help himself…he gave into his depresive state of mind……he pretended he was ok when he wasnt…..he stayed in his room …the room stank of rotting flesh…..he had hidden his severly gangrenous foot for weeks …………a tormented soul…..he was so wrapped up in his own selfishness and denial..so full of demons….. …so unloved as a child……..yet he keptt all of these feelings inside of him all his life….he had to be dragged out of that room ……he didnt want help and medical attention……didnt care about his family..all he thought about was himself….

he allowed his demons to torment him all his life…..he never felt loved as a child and never knew how to show love to his children..he did it out of duty…..not out of love…

He ended up so so holier than thou in that hospital bed…*oh take it off he would say…its no good to me*

He couldnt deal with the loss of his leg..yet another thing to deal with…..

It lead to even more severe depresion…paranoia…..and hallucinations…….

yet he still wouldnt admit he needed help……

How can you help someone who isnt prepared to admit they have a problem ?

No medicaton till it was too late…he wouldnt go and talk to a therapist

He still denied there was anything wrong with him

His severe depression /paranoia turned to dementia

He gave up….He didnt wanna try…..He wouldnt listen….

He became a shell of a person right in front of me

He felt nothing……He showed no emotion….He was cold and defiant to the end……telling me to go away..youre not wanted here…….i know he didnt mean it and he was ill …but it cut me like a knife

i had 2 hrs to get to the hospital on that fateful day…..and he waited for me..i take some comfort in that

But not in the fact that I was pulled away from him  when i wanted to stay with him…..thats another story….

I know deep down he did care …even though he didnt show it

He just didnt know how to…..

A tormented soul who wasnt meant to be on this earth

(im not wanting sympathy at all by posting this blog.).i just feel after 2 years its time for me to let go a little of all that pain that has been kept inside of me

time to let go a little bit more…..i know i will never be the same person….but life carries on…..you have to move forward ……more therapy……more closure  …..it wont beat me…..cos i wont let it  : ((