Hello there again.

It has been a while since I last wrote a blog. Admittedly, the last blog was a rant of frustration, but rest assured that the time of flustered emotions is over. It was really an explosion of built up hurt feelings and whatnot.

I would tell you what happened buuuuuttt….I don't wanna keep you here reading forever. To sum it up, I made an attempt to have a relationship with my childhood friend Tony. And we'd stayed friends over the course of 8 years, meeting here and there. But anyway, he hits me up out of nowhere and we live about 30 minutes away from each other. And every day for about a month, he visted me and stayed for hours. The first day we reunite, we kick it with a walk and a trip to the playground. And he surprised me by kissing me. He confessed that he had liked me since we were in elementary school, but was always too shy to say anything. But me, being the skeptic that I am mentally raised my eyebrow and grunted, not really believing him. Plus, not that I wasn't happy to see him and talk to him, because it was a blast being with him, but I was suspcious. He just comes out of the blue after a long while of not talking to me, which was both of our faults, expecting to just jump right into it.

And I honestly had liked him for a long time too and even though it had been some time since that asshole Jake incident, which I will also talk about later because the most ironic thing happened to him, but anyway, back on track, I was still pretty much bouncing back. Not that Tony was a rebound or anything, but it really gave me a nice little boost. Gah, I said I was trying to keep it short and look at where I am, writing a damn essay about it and crap. Oh well, I guess it can't be helped.

So he asks me to be his girlfriend and I say yes and everything is awesome. He was by far the best boyfriend I've had. But….big fat BUT….as time started to unravel…so did his bad qualities. And these bad qualities led to my realization that he was actually the biggest asshole I had ever met. Even bigger than Jake.

Here's why: After about a month and a half of dating…he randomely decides to stop visiting and stop talking to me. I was like, "What the hell man?" It was the night of christmas eve when I texted him. I had rolled with it and figured he didn't have to text me all the time, you know, I gave it some time before I jumped to any rash conclusions, but honestly, I was pissed and ready to throw CORRECT accusations at him. So he ends up texting me for a bit and whatever and says, "I think we should just be friends. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realized that I'm not ready for a relationship."

In my mind, I was choking him. I mean come on, he was the one that started all of it and then he's backing out. But it basically translated to, "I don't like you anymore. I only used you and I like someone else."

Which was COMPLETELY FUCKING TRUE. I had assumed that the first few days he stopped texting me, because before, he texted me all day every day. So thanks to the lovely world of Facebook, I found my proof. It turns out that the day he stopped talking to me was the day he decided to turn his attention to a girl named Leslie. And he had been talking with her during the whole time he wasn't talking to me. And thanks to sources I have planted at the school he attends (I happen to have very old friends everywhere), I had witnesses! But I gathered the proof after he called it off. I wish I had thrown it in his face. I decided not to because it would have been a waste of my time and its not like it would change anything anyway. And he really did just use me, not only physically, but intellectually. You see, he sucks in school and he freaking knows it. I helped him out with his senior project, which was basically writing his children's book. Yup. I knew I shouldn't have, but dammit, I did. I wrote the whole damn thing. So as you could imagine, not only was I furious of being yet again used, but I was crushed emotionally because he was very good to me when we were going out and even though I didn't believe him when he said, "I really like you, Jessica. I'm glad I met you." I knew it was total bullshit, but I didn't care. I was happy. Even if I knew most of what he said were lies. I guess I was mostly hurt because I never imagined that my childhood friend, someone who I had beat up as a kid and who had thrown mud at me in an all out war, would turn out to be capable of doing something so….asshole-ish. Not only that, but while we were going out, he told me about all his woes and about how much he could relate to feeling like crap from broken relationships. He said he had the same situations I was in. Even if that were true, that's kinda a dick of him to still do what he did and still profess that he was crushed time and time again from the struggles of relationships. He was really the biggest one I've encountered thus far.

So when he texted me, "I'm not ready for a relationship," I took it like perfectly fine. I just said, "Okay." But I did let him know how let down I was, just to make him feel like crap. I'm vengeful like that. Sorry. In the end though, I gained my own satisfaction by finding out through the book of faces that Leslie, the girl he was trying to get, told him last minute that she had a boyfriend. If he had told me that in person, I would have only done this: pointed in his miserable face and laughed. I know, not the nicest thing to do, but heck, I don't care. That's what he gets.

And in light of that event, I realized, hell, I should feel bad for him. If that's the way he treats girls and people, he's going to be a lonely guy. And I don't need or want a guy that would even think about doing something like that. I would be far better off without him. The event did make me realize that I take risks. Every relationship I step into is a new risk, a risk to getting hurt and falling back into my major depression. And though I am ambivalent about being a romantic risk taker, it did me some good to go through this. I feel much better from it. I'm determined never to allow myself to get into business with guys like him. I deserved much better and I am not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve. Imma find me someone right. Don't need some teenage boys messing with me. I'll wait to find someone worth the time, someone much more mature.

Other than that event, let tell you really quick about Jake. You know how he dumped me for Mandie? Well well folks, call it karma, irony, or whatever, but Jake got his butt dumped two weeks later. Yup. Turns out Mandie dumped HIM for another guy, who she is currently with. Again, another moment where I would just point and laugh.

Enough about boys. I haven't been depressed or anything really. None of the symptoms have been affecting me for quite some time. I've been making better decisions, getting my ass in gear and doing all I can to get into top universities. I mean, why not? I have all A's, so why not go to the best universities out there? While doing that, I'm searching everywhere (safe places) for as many scholarships I can get my strangely tiny hands on. I am also searching fervently for a job. I want one. I do kinda need one, but hell, I WANT one. It will give me something to do, something else to fill my day with.

All in all though, I am feeling pretty damn good. I can honestly say that I haven't felt this good in a long ass time. I've been taking vitamins too, which I thought I would never do, since I don't really care about my health much. I'm making healthier food choices, barely. I'm eating more veggies and whatnot. But yeah, I'm feeling awesome. School, though still is pretty boring, is going decently well. Though I only have two friends that I talk to a little, its enough for me.

And I'm gonna do all I can to keep this good swing swingin'. Quite a nice turn out, don't you think? From boy drama and random episodes of "I can't get out of bed because I feel hopeless" to lack of friends and finally to: life full of decent and pretty good vibes and events. Let's hope this keeps up. Oh and if you actually read this far, thank you. I do appreciate it. Thanks for reading about my life and having the patient to read all of my rambling. 🙂



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