You know what sucks? Life – the inability to be content with what you have, and not wanting to be stuck in the rut of disconjointment. (yes a word I made up) If you don’t know what I mean by that, it means not being a part of any reality. Whether it is a part of what society calls real or what my head calls real I am just not part of any of it! I float through this existence having little moments of time, possible glimpses of time in which I might be a part of "real" life but I am not ever quite sure if it is real.
I want to think it is so I can have a genuine feeling and try to make a memory. But like today I wish I had a gun and could put it to my head and would pull the trigger! That would be more real than the reality of what I am, or who I am. This big, fat, fake, pile of manure, that isn't worth the spit on a dime. I cannot take it anymore!… the simple solution with no wrongs committed,,,
PLEASE DEAR LORD COME BACK SOON AND DELIVER US ALL FROM THIS HELL ON EARTH!!!!
The "reality" I will probably have to live here and suffer through this day after day or shut up, quit complaining, and stop talking about what I should do and just do it!
The other day I saw my doc for the last time for the summer and I had this thought and it struck me really hard and it frightened me a little and yet it felt like it was telling the truth… Every summer I go from about April till about September without seeing my med doc… But this time when I said goodbye I felt like it was a forever goodbye… like I would never be seeing him again… like I was foretelling on myself.
It's more than that… I am not only saying goodbye to him but I no longer will be seeing my therapist of 3 yrs as of May 4th for the summer and I won’t have a case worker either… all this change.. Getting rid of all the people who knew me, who knew of who I was.. Am I setting myself up for the great GOOD BYE??? Is it the FOREVER?? Should I be worried??
If you happen to read this, I do want your feedback. I am curious as to your take on my thoughts.
I don't know where I am going or where my mind is leading me. I know I am on a path that is headed towards destruction and death and I desperately want the ability to either end it literally or figuratively with either the solution of Death or of peace of mind, because the bow is broken and I am taking on more water than I can hold!
I could have almost written it myself. It's almost exactly how I feel and no one seems to understand. People tell me to just stop it. It's all in my head and they're probably right, but there's no stopping it. I'm just trying to learn to live with it. None of it even seems real. Things happen so fast. I've had everything to live for in the past, and wasn't content with it and didn't even know if I wanted it. I ruined it all and didn't care. Now I have nothing to live for except for me and I'm not sure I want that either, but I'm learning to because it's all that I have left. The meds help when I take them, but sometimes I get in that thought process where I don't think I need them and start the emotional rollercoaster of self destruction all over again and afterwards don't know what I was thinking. Maybe saying goodbye to medical help isn't what's best for you. I know with my disorder it only means bad times and death and even though you may not care, you have to anyway if you want to survive it or even if you don't. Do it for your kids if anything else. Life is short and you can't take some things back. Sometimes there is no return and you end up living a ruined, shattered life that's in so many pieces, they cant all be picked up again. Just a thought. Write me back if you ever want to talk