I have been walking around lately stopping and looking at everything around me. And becoming more aware, but by doing that I also allow myself to let in all of the voices. It has only gotten worse. Now I bring it to me in public. I’m to weak and tired. I find myself widshing to go to sleep forever now a lot. My birthday is coming up in a month and I’m wishing to disappear once again. Hopefully this time it will work.
I’m walking around and I feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs! But everyone ignored me and just keep walking by like I’m not here. I can’t breathe and know one understands how real it is. I’m constantly crying and alone. And the worst part about is that my younger self would have never imagined me being here. Doing this….I’ve failed myself and everyone else. That’s why I blame everything on me and hate myself so much. The thing is that I know what I do and say to myself is bad. But I can’t help to say it because I always believe it’s on me. I’m the mistake…worthless..nothing.
I try to have a positive mind but it’s so hard when these stupid voices keep reminding me of how much I don’t matter every day, second, hour. I hate the fact that I sound crazy also. I just wanna be normal and mean something. I’m suffocating alone silently just waiting to die. Die? My mind never shuts up. It never stops..it just keep on thinking about everything you could imagine. I like to think that I can see the world differently then others. And I think I do. But also with 1billion others.
How long is it? How long is it gonna last? When is it gonna stop? I beg the voices in my head to stop a lot. I tend to find myself alone at home on my bedroom floor begging and pleading and crying for it to stop. But they never listen. We have a hate hate relationship. Family is a no, friends no. It’s just me. Again. Me and the voices. With both me and the voices beating me up.