A GF showed me this site. I read a bunch yesterday as a non-memebr. They should fix those permissions.

I\'m an anxious person. There have certainly been times in my life where I have wanted to pull a Sylvia Plath, definitely not a Virgina Wolff, albeit I do like water. That being said, today has been the shit phone call and email day.

I\'m interviewing for a new contract. I\'m a consultant. I am a published author. I would even be considered a workaholic. I am a passionate reader and a voracious consumer of films. I\'m a media whore.

I\'m also super OCD about money. My Nana kept a journal until I was in my mid-30s. She actually may have kept it longer, she just didn\'t talk about it to me. She taught me how to make money in the stock market. She was super smart, she was a shrink. She\'s dead and I miss her all the time.

So, yesterday I was talking to a GF outside a building and I saw a penny in this snow bank between the sidewalk and the street. I scrutinized it. It was heads up. I thought, Cool. Good luck. Heads up goes in my left shoe. Tails up goes in my wallet. Tails is just money to me, not luck. I dug the penny out of the snow and put it in my knee-high boots. I was not wearing socks. The penny was cold. But it was a Good Luck Penny so I accepted the minor burning on my foot from G-d only knows what is put on the streets + the snow.

After my appointment I went to try and find my son at sc hool. If I didn\'t find my kid and take him out for a meal I was going to send a nasty email to my Mother because she was a rude bitch to me on Tuesday.

I couldn\'t find my kid because he never answers his mobile. So, I went and hung at the library and the market. I found my kid at home and we went up to the University and had a meal at an Irish Pub. We also went to a bookstore. I checked in on 4sq and they had a Special! If you spent $10, you received three sticks on incense. I was actually buying this incense that works really well for my migraines. It\'s hand-made! It smells of luscious lavendar and is about $1 a piece, but comes in packages of 20.

My 13 year old and I browsed while a couple of women checked out. We went to the counter and I said, "I have a 4sq check-in special for these three pieces of incense. Do you want to see the Special?"

I had my phone out, ready to go to the screen that had the Special on it. The clerk said, "No, I don\'t need to see it, because none of our customers would say anything like that."

OK. Whatever. It was incense my kid picked out and it was for him. Mid-transaction a guy came over to the register guy and said, "I\'ll finish ringing this up so you can take your phone call." Guy says, "I have a phone call? I\'ve rang up these items," gesturing to all the incense. That left three books.

I paid with my CC. We left. I got home. I unloaded my groceries. I took out my books and showed my DH the books. We talked about the books. Hours later I looked over the receipt. The new register guy had charged me for the three sticks of incense. I told my DH I was calling in the morning to get a credit for 87 pence, which was the incense + tax.

I got off the phone with the book store right before I started this post. The guy on the phone was incredulous that I was asking for a refund of 87 cents. I was super calm and polite. He proceeded to tell me what an impossible, upset customer I was, and I was thinking, Geez, I\'m not upset. If I was upset I\'d be yelling. He went on a tirade and I ignored him and kept saying "Sir." After eight Sirs, he asked, "What?"

I told him that I was not upset, I just wanted my money back, and that if I was upset I\'d be yelling. He told me I was crazy and he\'d give me $2.00 back on my CC because I was insane.

What bugs me about this exchange is, why couldn\'t he just refund my money and if he thought I was crazy, just say to a co-worker, after we got off the phone, "You will never believe this crazy bitch that just called and wanted 87 cents back on her CC." That would have been totally copasetic to me. But no, he had to call me names!

I believe that money is supposed to be respected. If you respect money, then money will flow to you. This prompted my post, and saying that may be I am OCD about money.

I do not like this realization. I\'m all ready a complete worrier. Now I\'m OCD about money? This day isn\'t going well.


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Life has a way if kicking your ass but with all that is going on with me I am handling it and am very proud of myself. I have always thought of myself as a weak person and hated change but lately I have come to realize that I handle things pretty damn good.

I have not been around AT much because things have been tough. My husband got layed off in December and could not find work where we live. We were so broke it was not funny. I never thought at this age I would face this again.

A job opportunity came up in Edmonton, where my husbands family lives so we packed up and came to stay with my mother in-law so my husband could work. We were here only a week and my mother in-law got sick. She had to have emergency surgery and because she has a heart and lung condition the doctors told us that it was a very risky operation. She has been in ICU now for a month. She is on a breathing machine and it is breaking my heart. They have every hope that she will recover but it will be slow. She is such a wonderful person and like a mother to me.

I hate to see the pain on the faces of my husband and his siblings and there really is not much I can do to ease their suffering. My one sister in-law has been a royal pain in the ass, which makes all this harder to deal with. I have lost my parents as well and all this does bring back some disturbing memories. 

I have my moments when I look at her laying in that bed and freak the fuck out wondering if some day that will be me. I hate that I do that and I feel so selfish for it.

All in all though I have handled things well. Of course I have my moments but with such big changes going on I am doing pretty good.

My husband likes his job and within 4 months it is possible to transfer back to our home. I can't wait. I miss home so much.

Amazing what you can do when push comes to shove. Have hope people!



1 Comment
  1. Profile photo of Sweetsolitude
    Sweetsolitude 8 years ago

    Good to see you blogging again, Mags ! Sorry about your misfortunes.

    You are much stronger than you think, and have always given me good councel – please feel free to use me for the same.



    0 kudos

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So I suppose an introduction would be nice.  The name's Mandy.  I'm socially anxious, bipolar, and just plain weird all around.  I used to self-mutilate but somehow managed to overcome that about a year ago.  It was tough, especially after how reliant I had become on it.  I have the scars to prove the pain I've been through and they can be hard to deal with.  Just the other day a woman asked me if I had a cat.  I told her that I have a dog and she commented on how that dog really tore my arm to shreds.  Yeah, something like that.

My psychiatrist of four years and I have been trying to work on some of my psychotic symptoms I am exhibiting now.  The medications are helping, but they are extremely expensive.  I'm so lucky to have such great insurance that can cover everything.  I'd probably be dead without my meds. 

I'm trying to figure out what to do about college.  I went last year for a semester after taking a year off of school altogether.  Classes start in one week and I'm freaking out trying to decide what to do.  I can't walk into a classroom without feeling like I'm going to suffocate from the stares I get.  I ran out of class a few times last year due to my anxiety.  I got called up to the board and just took off.  I'm worried that's going to happen again.  I also don't know what to study.  How does everyone else in the world seem to have their lives so together?  How do you people know what you want to do with your life?  I'm so lost.

I wish I could explain the pain my social anxiety has put me through.  It's exhaustive and I have lost so many friends because of how I act around people.  I'm not outgoing in the slightest.  I sit in the corner and people believe me to be unapproachable.  It's sad, really.  I don't mean to be this way.  I truly wish I could be more outgoing and actually have fun on the rare occasions I see a friend or two.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy my life.



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