January 16, 2013
One of the most difficult situations I created through my addiction is loneliness. Although this began at the onset of my addiction, at this point, I feel it went unnoticed until I put down the alcohol and drugs. I suspect it became a driving force during my active addiction but from a conscious level I really didn’t realize how lonely I was until the drugs had completely cleared my system. I remember the feelings associated with loneliness during my active addiction, to some degree; abandonment, desolation, emptiness, and isolation. However, as I fed the addict, I was able to bend these feelings into anger and resentment and denial. My addiction had created significant loss. My wife had left and taken my son. My fiancé (whom I met during my addiction) had left and taken my girls. My true friends and family had created boundaries. I had yet to have a relationship with my higher power. The truth is; I became so isolated during the end I must have desired loneliness. Who would desire loneliness? I can assume only an insane person. Insane I was. As they say. Repeating the same mistakes (for me, over and over and over again) and expecting different results. I still isolate, feel sorry for myself, and deny my needs. I’m still sick… By the Grace of God I’m getting better.

What was the root of my loneliness?My belief that I was unique, that nobody could understand. That if I ever revealed the things I had done, or even my thoughts to someone else they would certainly reject me. Rejection? Fear of rejection played a significant role in my addiction. It was that fear that gave into peer pressure as a teenager.

Thankfully the fellowship of AA and NA provided for me not rejection but IDentification. It took a few tries and a few different meetings to really find those I was most comfortable around. All I had to do was show up and I began to realize I was certainly not alone. I’m happy to be one of the bunch. Sometimes I get more involved than others. Sometimes I still feel lonely. As time goes by in recovery I get along with my exes better, my kids are closer, my family is closer, and I have even rekindled some old true friendships. What I will never lose sight of is I can truly identify with and understand my friends in recovery. Today I am grateful for the friends I have made in the fellowships of AA and NA.

  1. Profile photo of babycakes
    babycakes 4 years ago

     This is a great post.  It's not easy, but it does get easier.  Admit you deserve better, and be proud of your success.  Let the guilt go for your past.  That is not who you are… you simply lost your way.

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    alanoriley 4 years ago

    Thank you for your comments.  It sure does get easier, but for me the addict still likes to whisper in my ear.

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Clutching loneliness in the palms of my hands

Crying until my eyes begin to bleed

Wishing this void would fade

As friends we grew into lovers

His love has become my comfort

But it doesn’t fill the emptiness inside

I wish I had friends

I used to have so many

As time moved forward

Friends became strangers

Strangers I did not want to associate with

Now I am left alone

Missing the comfort of a friend

Every time a best friend emerged

They never stayed for long

[Rest In Peace Melissa]

My maturity caused separation

Cultural differences transpired barriers

I don’t know where I belong

Never imagined I’d be jealous of his friendships

People I could relate to

Strangers just like me

If only I had friends


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