January 16, 2013
One of the most difficult situations I created through my addiction is loneliness. Although this began at the onset of my addiction, at this point, I feel it went unnoticed until I put down the alcohol and drugs. I suspect it became a driving force during my active addiction but from a conscious level I really didn’t realize how lonely I was until the drugs had completely cleared my system. I remember the feelings associated with loneliness during my active addiction, to some degree; abandonment, desolation, emptiness, and isolation. However, as I fed the addict, I was able to bend these feelings into anger and resentment and denial. My addiction had created significant loss. My wife had left and taken my son. My fiancé (whom I met during my addiction) had left and taken my girls. My true friends and family had created boundaries. I had yet to have a relationship with my higher power. The truth is; I became so isolated during the end I must have desired loneliness. Who would desire loneliness? I can assume only an insane person. Insane I was. As they say. Repeating the same mistakes (for me, over and over and over again) and expecting different results. I still isolate, feel sorry for myself, and deny my needs. I’m still sick… By the Grace of God I’m getting better.
What was the root of my loneliness?My belief that I was unique, that nobody could understand. That if I ever revealed the things I had done, or even my thoughts to someone else they would certainly reject me. Rejection? Fear of rejection played a significant role in my addiction. It was that fear that gave into peer pressure as a teenager.
Thankfully the fellowship of AA and NA provided for me not rejection but IDentification. It took a few tries and a few different meetings to really find those I was most comfortable around. All I had to do was show up and I began to realize I was certainly not alone. I’m happy to be one of the bunch. Sometimes I get more involved than others. Sometimes I still feel lonely. As time goes by in recovery I get along with my exes better, my kids are closer, my family is closer, and I have even rekindled some old true friendships. What I will never lose sight of is I can truly identify with and understand my friends in recovery. Today I am grateful for the friends I have made in the fellowships of AA and NA.