Hey, Its been a while since i visited this site properly but I’m really not coping with things and I’m willing to try anything, so I though I might aswel try writing a blog. I’m not too good at writing what is on my mind because there is usually a million things so its hard to make much sense, but I will try my best. Umm where do I start… I got my Uni thing today saying what course i got into, and I didnt get into the exact course i wanted to, but a similar course that is just shorter. I am really really angry with myself that I didnt get in because I know I am smart enough to get in but couldnt handle the pressure of school… I really hate myself right now and I am on the edge, I am scared of what I might do, I keep getting these dreams of suicide and i am starting to beleive it might come true. I hope someone might read this before its too late. I don’t want to be me anymore… I wonder what its like to die, and maybe the fascination will become too much. Will I just black out or is there really some form of life after death. Or will I be reincarnated.. I would probably become a fly or something… thats all i deserve. argh this all makes no sense. I’m sorry, if someone reads this by now your probably thinking what a waste of time. I don’t want to tell my psych I am not ok, or that the stupid f*cking drugs dont make a difference, because i dont want to hear the same old shit that I will just get better soon on new drugs. sooner or later he has to run out of drugs to try, i’m sick of the side effects, i just want to be numb. I wonder how much of this crap I have to take before I start going really crazy. 8 different tablets a day, i might aswel open up a chemist. He can never answer the hard questions, He says i will become my old self once the depression "goes", but if ive felt like shit all my life who the hell am I really. I feel so so alone 🙁 I just have so much anger and hatred and guilt, its killing me. I deserve to be alone.. I dont know how to say the rest, maybe i should try lyrics… Here’s how i feel i geuss.

"And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world mad world"

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"I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall"

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What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

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Here I am
At the end
I’m in need of resurrection
Only you can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead
What I lost in the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in your hand
And make me whole again….

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Searching for truth in this twisted environment
I can’t believe that I once was inspired by you
But I’ll be ok
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve
Do you know what I’m worth?
What do you see?

I’m not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I’ll be gone
So don’t come to me and beg to plead…
I’m not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I’ll be gone

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I don’t like this place at all
Makes me wonder what I’m here for
Someone take this pain away
Dying to see another day
And I don’t want to be just friends
Or pretend I can fit in too
I’m incensed, I’m blown away
Dying to see another day

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Sorry I got a little carried away… I doubt anyone will bother reading it all but if you did then thankyou, I’m off to… do something i probably dont have the guts to finish. To those who have helped me… You know who you are, I love you.