Hi, my name is James, Ive been putting effort into getting over someone that I was spiritually bonded with and things were going amazing then they went downhill out of nowhere and every day it hurts without her but I’m getting better.

For context, I met her in school and didn’t have much experience with girls so most things were new to me and she was the first person I got into a serious relationship with, there had been times before where a girl would like me and I was “with them” but and would get feelings but they were never serious and I would slowly become distant with them, and I hadn’t felt real love yet. I always kept to myself and struggled to really be friends with people, and when I made a friendship things always felt out of control and I would often stop talking to people or never talk to them outside of school because I just couldn’t, my therapist told me I have avoidant personality disorder a few years ago and I’ve been taking big strides in my life to overcome it.

Being in a real relationship with her was a massive stride, and she knew early on and was okay with it and knew the responsibility and commitment that it was and how it would be hard for me to bond with her. At first I was emotionally distant and didn’t know what to do or when to comfort her or how to be there for her and was scared to open up and tell her how I felt. She would talk my ears off and always tell me that she loved me and was really really trying, this was the first few months of our relationship. it took me a few months to finally tell her that I loved her and I meant it, I didn’t know but there was other guys, there was a guy from Ohio she was close with throughout the entirety of our last year at school, and was with that summer and there was another guy, Aiden, from her job who she was with and got back with while she was with me. somewhere in the middle of summer I found out, and when she was with them she said a lot of things, called our relationship a joke and called me a loser and that nobody loved me. she later sent me a picture of her with one of them and taunted me. I broke up with her, and told her I never wanted to see her again and she texted me a few days later trying to convince me she didn’t mean what she said and that her phone had been taken, I saw her message and left her on read for a week after crying myself to sleep every day and performing a closure ritual, saying no and that I didn’t trust her anymore and I wasn’t going to get hurt again, her mom texted me and told me that she wouldn’t do that and it was all a misunderstanding.

After a few more days I talked to her and we started again, I wasn’t ready for a relationship and it took a while for her to regain my trust, several months. but eventually we were fully back together and I loved her again. We became more and more bonded every day and every time we saw each other for upwards of a year, we were comfortable and happy. Then things changed, I don’t know why, whether she got tired of me, her trust issues, problems with her father. or if it was the fact she was still in contact with her ex and would talk to them, or if it was a mix of that and the stress of work and her medication. But she became cold to me, would insult me, make jokes about leaving me and give me ultimatums, she became controlling and abusive, I became very sensitive to her jokes and was confused and hurt every time she would treat me bad and I went into a depressive state, the only time I would feel happy was when I was with her and I would express how much I need her. after a while I opened up about having thoughts of self harm again and that made things really start to go even worse, because at this point she didn’t believe things I would say and was at this point just trying to find reasons to not like me and told me I’m manipulative. I never thought I could be a manipulative person and I didn’t mean to be and that really messed with me, especially coming from her. one day when I was with her she called a girl she liked and who she was trying to get with and avoided me while I was with her, I walked in front of the camera and the girl asked who I was, to which she said, nobody. And when I met her dad, her dad thought I was the guy from Ohio that she was with who she told me she was never with, and that they were just friends. I knew at this point she was lying to me and that really hurt, I started to not trust her and I was so confused, but I was never aggressive.

I always told her it didn’t matter, that the past was the past, and that I forgave her, but she just became colder and colder, till recently she wouldn’t see me more than once every few months, and only when she wanted something from me. I found out there’s another guy, well two other guys again. and a few days ago, my cat became very sick, and I wanted someone to be there for me and help me deal with it because, he is probably going to no longer be around. She got mad at me for asking and argued with me.

I told her we needed to talk, and we did, and she broke up with me… throughout all of this, my love and support for her never wavered and I just wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for her, and just wanted to keep things going and be with her, no matter how much it messed me up. but things didn’t work. I changed a lot for her and it’s hard to change back to who you were and even know who you are when everything you did was for someone else.

I’ve been reaching out to old friends, family and even new people, to help me through this. it feels selfish to tie other people in, especially since there wasn’t really anyone else there for me other than her, when my intentions are to help myself and a lot of things she did to me made me questions who I am and what my values are.

anyway this entire situation just feels like a mess and I went through so many times when I would be hopeful that things would get better, then she’s tear me back down and mess me up worse and I feel inadequate and worthless, I don’t want attention, I’ve never wanted attention. But opening up is the only way I’m going to get over this no matter how hard it is, and I’m going to need more than just a therapist. and one of the people I went to for help recommended this site.

 

Sorry for the several paragraphs it’s a long story and I wanted to get as much of it out as I could.

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