Well I've felt depressed most of my life. Looking back I can see times in my early childhood that were missing, like I guess I was so shut and numb and not remembering.

It took many years just to consider that I might have something wrong with me. I can't blame my parents for this. I have to take responsibility for myself. I'm the only one that can fix me. But I need help also; Therein lies the problem.

In reaching out I have to open up and make myself vulnerable. In opening up I've had to deal with alot of confusion with the American Medical Assoc. and American Psychiatric Association. I'm not sure either group actually knows how to deal with depression. It's so frustrating because while it seems they are the same Association, they are very seperate. And a regular medical doctor is not nor canone diagnose or prescribe meds like a psychiatrist. AndMDs really shouldn't attempt to treat depression and psychiatrists shouldn't treat a sore throat.

It would seem so simple to just go to a psychiatrist, get meds and get better. But that's a real joke at this point. I went to see a psychiatrist, got meds and ended up in Intensive Care for 4 days. They thought I was going to die. I had a severe allergic reaction that made me look like a burn victim.I got a supposedly rare condition called Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. After looking into some side affects of this med, Lamictol, alot of people get Stevens-Johnson Syndrome from this med.

I had a temperature that was over 105. They gave me a huge dosage of steroids and I started to get better. After being released from the hospitol, 4 days later, I went home and within 2 days, the same symptoms came back. I ended up having to go back to the hospitol 4 more times with the same exact conditions.Sadly the psyche doctor wouldn't even return my call. On my 5th visit to the ER, they found that I had bloodclots in my lungs. Supposedly the clots came from laying in the bed at the hospitol. My legs were swollen but nobody noticed except my Mom and I just ignored it. It took about 6 weeks for the clots to move and that's when I ended up back at the ER and into the hospitol for the 2nd time. Now when I had all this happen, the doctors wanted to blame me for this. It's frustrating to be treated like I'm up to no good when I went to the psychiatrist for help in the first place. This time the doctors kept me there until they could find something wrong with me that would cause allergic reactions and blood clots. Well they tried to convince me that all this happened because I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, which that hasn't really been proven.

I feel the system has failed me. I've spent most all my savings just trying to get better. Most of the money went to regular MDs. Now I need to go see a psychiatrist and it just scares me.

Frustratingly, the MDs don't want to help you with psyche meds if you ever have problems with meds. I guess they are concerned about getting sued.

So I'm back in the same place again, needing to go see a psychiatrist, but now I'm broke. It's really just rediculous. I feel totally powerless with this. It's not my fault the medicine mad me sick. I did have one doctor say to me that if my body looked burned on the outside, it probably looked the same on the inside. If not for being depressed, all this is enough to make one depressed.

But I have survived and plan on going on. I take a very low dosage of Welbutrin but my prescription just ran out today so I gotta do something soon. I will say the med does help me stay more balanced: sleeping, eating, talking to others. But lately the meds aren't working the same. I think sometimes I can handle life without the meds but I know that's not true. I accept that I have a mental illness, classified as depression and mania = bipolar. I get really angry when I'm not on meds and don't sleep nor eat and really get sickly looking. I think I look pretty good right now. And for me, thinking I look good is a improvement.

So here is the delema: I need to see a psychiatrist but afraid of getting more screwed up. And if they know my history, they may not treat me. I've had regular MDs not take me because of this history(fear). So I'm out of words. I won't get into alot of dialog about my bipolar symptoms here. I'm just letting ya'll know where I am. And I guess I really needed to write something. I'm really tired of being beatup, so if you have comments, please be kind. Thanks for being here for me. 😉