I am tired, and I am sick, but I am holding on.

Listening to Wilco:

"I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I’m hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?"

I always wake up feeling sh*tty.  I hate that, but I am doing what I was told by the doctors, to address it.  That’s all I can really do.  Damn this cramping…

I have to go to outpatient in an hour or so.  Need to take a shower, first.

Saw my friend Bill, yesterday.  He was a mess.  I feel his pain.  His ex knows he still loves her, and she keeps him around, as someone to talk to and to drive her around where ever she needs to go, but she doesn’t want him back.  Kate, the ex, is an old friend of mine, and I would never have met Bill if not for her, but they were together for 8 yrs, and at this point, I care about the guy.  He stood up for me when my last ex was shoving me around.  He was the only person who did.  That meant the world to me.  And, after he threatened to hurt dude, if he touched me again, as nuts as dude ever got with me, he did not touch me again.  He knew Bill could break him in half.

"Let’s forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let’s undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn’t hurt?"

I hope someone did, at some point.  Jon was a real piece of sh*t.  He was a pacifist who hung out with artists, in college, but he had no creativity, so he tried to own himself an artist – I guess, the next best thing to having your own talent.  He would get annoyed that I never wrote about him – like he expected to be my muse.  He had heard my friends and I joke that we worked on the muse system – that was just an inside joke about getting laid (haha, I wasn’t going to explain that to him).  He’d also get annoyed that I always sang when my friend David played guitar, but not when he (Jon) played guitar.  Stupid sh*t… 

"I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take you from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said I’ve been drinking
What was I thinking when we said good night?"

And, after graduation he joined the army.  Some people aren’t really ABOUT anything. 

Don’t know why I am talking about that jerk.  The stomach cramps probably brought him to mind.

Oh well, that was the first and last time I ever tolerated that kind of abuse.  And, when I left, I knew I would NEVER let a man put his hands on me, in a violent way, ever again.  I don’t care if I have to put a knife in someone’s back – no one will ever shove me around, again.

I doubt it would ever come to that, again.  I don’t usually fall for people who would treat me that way.  He was a virgin when we got together – big mistake.  I knew better.  You break your own rules, you pay the price.  He did not have the emotional maturity to deal with my past (that I had one, and he did not), or the fact that other guys wanted me (even though I didn’t want them).  He went nuts with jealousy, and because he was too much of a coward to step up to the guys who were pissing him off, he took it out on me.  And, he kept doing so, because I proved to him that I hated myself enough to deal with it.  I proved that the first time he shoved me, because I didn’t walk out.  We teach people how to treat us.  And, once a sh*tty lesson is out there, it’s unlikely that you can ever undo it.  At least in my limited experience…

"I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You’re quite a quiet, domino, bury me now
Take off your band-aid ’cause I don’t believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when we said hello?"

I got away from that prick.  When I told him that it was over, he said, "I was the best thing that ever happened to you."  I told him, that the best thing that ever happened to me would not have left bruises up and down my arms.  He said, "you bruise easily.  You should get more iron in your diet."  F@cking monster…

The last time I wrote about this particular ex, some chick who was passing through wrote that she thought I was just blaming everything on him, for some reason, when I obviously had problems to begin with, and that I am probably a Borderline personality.  I can only assume that she missed some of the details, or that she’s utterly stupid.  As I have mentioned previously, and frequently, I am bipolar – the doctors never disagree about that (four shrinks have come to that same conclusion, so I trust their diagnosis over some chick who once dated someone with Borderline disorder).  What really bothered her, I think, was how I described Jon as having destroyed myself esteem, to keep me with him, when I alluded to having had very little of the stuff in the first place, but that’s just ignorant.  Predatory people look for the weak, and then, they tap dance on whatever confidence you have left, until you think you don’t deserve their love, and you are so lucky to have them.

I used to say "I don’t deserve you," and he would say, "I love you – deserve has nothing to do with it."  How about saying the obvious?  "Of course you do.  You deserve every happiness."

"I always thought that if I held you tightly
You’d always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?"

I guess, some people are just plain selfish and bad.  And, some are just ignorant…

My cramps have let up some.  Significantly, actually.  Going to smoke, then, hop into that shower.

I love you guys, and hope you’re all hanging in there, today.  I promise, I won’t stay this bitter all day – it’s just a fleeting fit.  Just venting… 

I’m okay.  For now…

We’ll see what the day brings.  There’s a lot undiscovered about this day, and a lot I want to do.  I’ll let you know how it turns out.

"I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
But still I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t easy
I am trying to break your heart

Disposable Dixie cup drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I’ve been hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

I’m the man who loves you"  (Wilco "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart")