There is my problem: I really need to be creative. I even get too obsessed about it, especially when there are times when I am not as productive as I’d like. Reasons for that is that the occasions are not always good enough, there are not real motives rather than a self-push to produce,. and of course my anxiety about not producing 😛

I came back home from the stupid army for the easter vacations. I said to myself “Finally! A week of creativity..” but I already knew it wouldn’t work. I wished to write some thoughts for an article, some code for my own sake and for a job too (only the later moved on a bit) but instead I kept sitting on my computer playing games, watching demos or browsing the net exactly as someone is sitting in his couch, zapping channels on his TV. The “wasting my time” mode.

Well,. what I was doing are actually anxiety-release mechanisms even though I’d like to do something more creative so that I feel my precious time off the army is put in a good use. Even though that’s not realistic because what I should do was not pushing myself to do something that I feel is useful for the 6 days remaining but rather relax and do whatever I feel like doing. Even if this is nothing to make it feel worth..

Though, my perfectionism and my anxiety about not being quite productive on my “hobby” (The Demoscene) was a common phenomenon that haunted me since a long time ago. I struggled to achieve while I had to fight with my parents who didn’t liked that I am so focused on one thing. I think now that the anxiety of not producing that makes me feel the struggle each time I sit in front of my computer in order to actually produce (kinda like a vicious circle), somehow comes from these old facts too. It’s a complexity I have to get rid off. Afteralls, in few days I will be back to the army camp and won’t be able to be productive enough (It’s hard to do much stuff on netcafes except from writting my thoughts in blogs ;P).

I am seeking for a way to increase my productivity without having to struggle to create. To not push myself because of my perfectionism but achieve that without having to go through this. I’ve done it in the past and then I couldn’t keep it constant. I would stop being creative after 2 weeks of pushing myself into this. And the aftereffect is to stop being creative at all and disliking what I do. I have to find that balance (if there is something like this ;P).

At the moment, I follow a technique a friend has tought me. If I go for being creative and I see that I struggle to do that while I am not motivated, I shut down. I mean, I stop what I am doing and try something else or move away from the computer and take a walk (I don’t mean that in the way people tell me to get a life though). It’s a bit hard because I say to myself “But if I quit, I will have done nothing for 1 day!”. Even in that case, my friend told me to still do so. And it’s somehow a relief from my obsession to be productive/creative in my computer.

p.s. What am I doing (for the curious) is programming computer demos. Maths, algorithms and hardcore coding. Other people provide graphics or music in case I am in a demogroup where most members are active (I am not. Most of my works were lonely :P). Download and watch my demos here.