I woke up with a smile on my face this morning. It was the first time in weeks? Months, maybe? It was a good feeling. I got out yesterday, got to shop, walk around the stores, just me. Today I got all morning just me and my husband, my girls spent the night at my mom's. It was such a good feeling not to have that hole in my chest weighing me down all day long.
Even though today was a good day, and yesterday wasn't crap…….I can't help wondering……….how long is this going to last? How long to I get to enjoy life without a gaping hole sucking the joy and happiness out of my life? Today was a good day but what about tomorrow? It is a negative outlook but it's also a realistic one. I'm tired of not knowing what I'm going to feel tomorrow when I wake up, if I'm going to feel like getting up, If I'm going to feel like living. This is things that others take for granted, being able to control their thoughts and feelings. People can tell me something like "You're girls deserve better" they obviously mean that I should be better for my girls, that they should be my reason to live and "stop this nonsense" right? But that's not what I get, my brain turns it into "You're girls deserve better……then you" and I see it as they're better off without me, they don't need me they need someone better. My brain takes the input warps it so I'm at fault, always without fail, and sends that message to me. My husband once asked why, why do you think this way, what happened to you that made you this way? The sad thing is, as long as I can remember it's always been this way. It's always been my fault.
So how do they get to be the ones that wake up with smiles everyday? That aren't weighed down by black holes in their chests? That can control their thoughts, feelings, and don't start crying at the drop of a dime? And how do I get to be one of them?