So I finished this week's school work early. Considering week 1 was an entire week late and week 2 was also a few days late the fact that I was able to get it all in on time was pretty awesome achievement. To top it off my first two days of on the job training went fairly well, completely nerve wracking but it is managing to keep my mood above suicidal though not quite hitting happy. But I'm finding that I may have to make myself do things but most things aren't really forced anymore. There is a difference between forcing and making myself do things. Forcing involves a hell of a lot of resistance clenched teeth and almost painful stressed tense muscles. Making involves self talk like I don't wanna and do I have to, but it's mostly hemming and hawing just whinning but a surrendering to the fact that yes I have to get it done. Forcing has no surrender I fight it with every last step I have to take to get it done, it feels like I'm going super slow because I just flat out refuse to do it and I have to do it anyway. It is nice to be on here again though I forgot just how much comments and everyone else's writings help me feel a part of a community again, not so alone. That is something I've been feeling a lot lately, just feeling like I'm all alone and there's no one there. Like my own husband left me so I must be horrible. But I'm not horrible, I'm sick like cancer deadly sick and I need to start treating it that way. Truth be told he couldn't handle the stress my sickness put on the relationship and that's fine but it has nothing to do with my sense of worth. Now if I could only convince myself of that during a bad day. That is my key, my bad days can undermine all my hard work if I cave in and that's where I have to force myself to do things, to have fun, to work on the paper, and even to eat sometimes. But that is all the ramblings I have in me for today.

2 Comments
  1. Paume 5 years ago

    Thank you HeavenlyHelper I am proud of my progress and the fact that I have been consistantly taking my medication. 

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 5 years ago

    Good for you, it sounds as though you learned a lot about handling yourself firmly, but gently.

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