I cannot understand why I constanly feel rejected. And it tears me apart, it really does. I have been trying to be okay being myself, being alone. Living my life then having my family, husband, friends, hobbies. But it is destroying me that no one else feels like I feel. It is the loneliest fucking feeling and I can't get it out of my head or heart. I feel completely alone when my friends don't want to hang out, it is like I can't fathom them wanting to just do their thing and be alone. And of course, with OCD and the negative thoughts, I always think it must be something I did the last time we hung out, or something I have said the last time we conversed. And, maybe it was. Maybe it is me. I am this poison that seems to attract people and then repel them away as fast as it attracted them. Rejection is defeating me. I am defeating myself. I want so badly to be around people all of the time. And when they have other things to do, it just breaks me. Friends don't want to hang out, my husband seems to reject me on a constant basis, what is wrong with me? Why can't I pinpoint it, and why can't I fix it? Maybe just wake up one day and it all be different? I don't know what to do or how to deal with these feelings. It's like you cannot get close to people when you are like me, when you have this type of mindset and heart set. Because you get attached, and then you think they will be there forever, for you. I guess it's selfish. But I can honestly say I will be there forever for those in my life that I love. Why others cannot say or do the same is beyond me. It is very much safer to stay away from people. Once you get attached, you are sure to have a broken heart. I am sorry to sound so negative, I am just reeling in it tonight, or so it seems. This loneliness is something I never intended on facing or ever even thought I would have to feel.

"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end." Great cover of the Nine Inch Nails song by Johnny Cash. I love it. And, for some reason, cannot stop listening…

4 Comments
  1. TheTallestOne 7 years ago

    I can sympathize with you very much! I have two children and only my youngest will spend time with me! My oldest for some reason won't and I can't force him. I have been separated for almost five years and am also ten weeks out of a relationship with someone I loved very much but who really hurt me! I feel terribly alone, feel like I have a small life! Just want someone who will love me and not leave me!

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  2. her_ocd 7 years ago

    hello, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. I hope you find good friends who will understand you and give you the respect you deserve. Don't give up~ and don't let others determine your value as a person when they brush you away. Good friends and true friends will stick with you through thick and thin. Take Care.

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  3. Luv_u 7 years ago

     Don't worry. There are a few people all around the world who feel like you. Like me. Here I am. You found me. But where ever you are you are alone. You probably feel like there is no one but you for thousands of miles. That's what I feel like. I dont believe all the crap people tell me saying "you are not alone" or "im there for you". Im alone and so are you but soon we will find someone. Untill then we will be alone. And yes it's heartbreaking but just hang in there. 

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  4. RockyRose 7 years ago

    Sounds like me….I only count two people as close…another one just drifted away from me in a bad way…. 🙁 and I'm a very socialable girl too…

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