I can’t believe my last blog was two days ago, things were looking pretty good then.

It’s been a pretty bad day.

Despite that fact that Emma and I have been broken up for a month or so, we’ve kept some benefits in our friendship. We agreed however, to tell each other if we had sex with anyone else and we’d switch back to using condoms to prevent the spread of STDs. It seemed satisfying to both of us, so I figured what the heck? We’d miss the sex anyway.

Terrible idea.

Today she tells me she’s horny and wants to come to my place after work. Sure that sounds fine to me but then goes on to tell me she’ll bring a box of condoms with a wicked grin on her face. She had slept with someone else. Wow, that’s a dagger in the heart. I looked at her with a heavy heart and my eyes full of hurt but she just shrugged and said it’s no big deal and that if I did the same thing to her, I’d play it off too. Wrong wrong wrong. I’ve dated this girl for over a year and she still has no fucking idea who I am.

Unbelievable.

After hearing that I told her there was no way I’d have sex with her. She got upset and told me that it wasn’t a big deal, she used protection with the other guy and I should just look at her as a new girl. But she’s not a “new” girl to me; we’ve been through way too much for her to be a “new” girl. But apparently none of that means anything to her. The thought of her being with someone else like that tears me up inside, I know she’s not “my” girl anymore but it hurts to think of her wrapped in someone else's arms :/.

 She went on to complaining that we’ve talked about all of this and I should have been prepared blah blah blah. F that. I seriously wasn’t ready for this at all, I had suspicions that she might be hooking up with someone but I knew it wasn’t any of my business anymore so I tried to ignore it. I didn’t expect her to come right out and tell me she got boned by one of her friends, and then try to get laid with me. 

I suppose I set my self up for this by agreeing to keep things physical between us. I should have known an issue like this would arise and I would be hurt. Truth be told, I didn’t anticipate I’d still be feeling like this a month after our breakup.

I’ve realized I’m still hung up on this girl, and by keeping things physical it’s made it 10 times more difficult to accept that we’re not together anymore. I still think about her, and still have annoying little habits that I haven’t let go yet: like checking my phone for text messages or unconsciously expecting phone calls that rarely come. I’ve realized that these are holding me back and I need to let go in order to be happy again.

I’m really anxious to start feeling like my old positive self again, but have a feeling that it may be a long way off. This girl was so wrong for me; I don’t understand why I can’t let her go… but I suppose you can’t control how your heart feels…