My partner and I continue to struggle with how to each get what we need, and yet be available to each other.  Maybe I’m being unfair, but it sure feels like I’m doing a lot more of the emotional work.  I know that my dealing with panic attacks arouhd my supervisor is probably not as serious as trying to reintegrate with DID, but I really feel that I am entitled to support too. 

She is younger than I am, and always has looked to me to be the strong one.  But right now I am very vulnerable and tender, and she is just so harsh.

This is going to sound completely silly, but I think Facebook is much of the trouble.  We are having to share a computer right now, and just like our dachshund that whines whenever I am on the computer, Caroline seems to resent anything I am enjoying that takes the focus off of her. 

Last night, I was finally oh Facebook just for a few minutes, and she was bounding around wanting to play a game.  And when we were watching one of our TV shows, she wanted to stop and do a reading together.  I wanted to watch the show, and suggested we do the reading after that.  But by that time, she said she was too tired.  I have been begging for us to start doing these bible readings together, but there’s always a reason they never happen.

The stupidest thing we’ve done on Facebook is that we have these virtual pets that have to have regular attention.  I got annoyed this AM because she didn’t play with my pets, when I had spent a lot of time on hers.  I know this is silly, but she got really angry and asked what was wrong with me.

Well, I brought up how she doesn’t help me with the things I want, and I told her how it hurt me.  I explained that I wasn’t telling her what to do, just how I felt.  She immediately got defensive and said I was being mean to her.  I pointed out that she apparently could say there was something wrong with me, and that I had used I statements.

It does no good.  I can’t talk to her when she’s in certain moods.  I become the villain and the abuser.  I feel as though I can’t ask for support.  She censors everything I say, and then says she can’t talk about it before work.  I told her that the conversation is tabled but I want to come back to it. 

But I don’t know if it’s worth coming back to it. 

The problem is that my anxiety attacks have lessened since I have started asking for what I need, but her angry DID persona gets so defensive, and hears criticism when all I am saying is how I feel. 

I really feel as though I am carrying the burden for two people, and I’m tired,.

She says she wanted to play a game or do the reading, when she wanted to do it, to connect with me.  I feel as though she just wants what she wants when she wants it, and that my feelings don’t matter.  When she’s herself, she is so considerate.  But I don’t know how to handle the alters without getting upset.  My counselor says that I have to learn that the person talking to me isn’t always her, but that’s so hard to do.,

I’ll keep working on it.