Same As Before- Or Even Worse

Hi. I need to write this down because I feel like I am bothering everyone around with my problems. So I decided to write it here. You either read it, or not. I just need to get it straight in my head. Thank you in case of reading.

Honestly, everything got worse. Everyday I am getting worse. I am crying every night and with my now long nails, I am hurting my own body. Because I am getting so frustrated. And it's not just self-harm, it's the thing I am feeling inside. I don't even know how to describe it. The feeling. It's just everything at once. I do believe I am okay but at the same time… I am not okay. There are things that are making me angry but at the same time, I am blaming myself for most of them. I need to punish myself for everything I do wrong.

And then there are these thoughts that coming into my head. Everything is my fault. I do believe that without me, everything would be better. My family would have money, my friends would be happier… but no, I am here. Nobody made me who I am right now. I deserve it. I deserve everything that happened to me. I deserve the disorders, bullying, stress… I deserve everything. And it's only my fault.

I don't really care right now if it's just adolescence thing or if it's serious, I just want it to go away! I need to be normal. I think that my main triggers are- family, school, sometimes friends even though they make me feel good most of a time. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to die or something. I really don't. But the thing is- I don't really feel like a human being. I feel like I am no one.

Thank you for listening, I really apreciate it. If you have any idea how to make me feel better, please write a comment. It would really help me. Thank youso much.

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