I hardly ever feel like I have made progress in my depression. And in the last few years I have added anxiety to the mix. Many of the depression meds I have taken have caused me to feel antsy and unable to sit still. I shake my legs and feet to get out the excess energy. It is not useful energy that I could use to get things accomplished, it is useless energy that just makes me nervous. I have no “umph” to get anything done except the absolute minimum, and that minimum is getting smaller by the day. I try relaxation and meditation techniques, but as soon as I am through, the shakes come back. I can stop the shaking, but it is like holding my breath, I can only do it for so long. I don’t want to change my depression meds, as they are keeping my from  wanting to kill myself. My doc recently tried to reduce one and I couldn’t stop crying. So we went back up on the dosage.

I know all the things I should be doing to help the depression and anxiety, it’s as if I have to climb a huge wall to start doing them. Exercise and eating more healthful foods are two of the things. There are no valid excuses for me for either one. Financially I can afford the healthful foods, it’s just easier to buy and reach for a bag of chips. I really love carbonated drinks and drink more of them than water. And then there is coffee. I could drink it all day, but then I get cramps and muscle spasms (like charlie horses in various parts of my body). What’s more simple than drinking water? I have a dispenser on the door of my refrigerator, but I prefer to pop open a soft drink. I love the fizz. I was supposed to give them up when I had gastric sleeve surgery. I did for a while, but slowly went back to them. It’s probably why I never lost as much weight as I should have.

I have started counseling therapy again. I had to stop in the spring when my second counselor quit. I was OK with tele-psych visits with them as I had gotten to know them in person. I am having a harder time with this new one since we have never met in person. I suppose for some it is not an issue and maybe even a plus to not have to travel to an office. I find it helpful to make myself get up and dressed and get out the door. The counselor can better evaluate how I am doing when in person. And I usually go do something else when I am out and about, which is good for my mood. But I am not really clicking with this new counselor. I’ll give it two more sessions and then decide.

I am trying to journal my feelings and moods. Coming here to the “The Tribe” also helps when I just write how I am doing. It doesn’t matter to me if anyone reads what I write. I am writing for me. If I happen to help someone with what I have written, then that’s a bonus. It just isn’t my goal. My therapist mentioned doing “10 Minute” activities, be it a clean up session, exercise, organize or anything. The idea is that 10minutes is not overwhelming and I might be more inclined to do something for just 10 minutes. With exercise I may have to start in smaller increments. I have an exercise bike, but it has just been collecting dust. It is not in front of a working TV, so I am less inclined to use it. I’m not much of one to read while biking. I feel like that children’s folk song “There’s A Hole In My Bucket.” Willie laments the hole in the bucket and Liza tells him how to fix it, but there is a problem with everything he needs to fix it and it just ends back with he needs water to whet the stone to sharpen the knife, etc., etc. but he has a hole in his bucket so he can’t get started. That’s how I feel about so much in my life. I can’t seem to get started on becoming healthy, because I am not healthy. But maybe, just maybe, the next time I write something here, it won’t be the same old, same old and I can report I started something new.

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