(Warning: This blog contains discriptions, and an account of Self Harm/Self Injury, If you think this might upset you or trigger you, please don’t read any further)
I was watching a TV show this evening, based around the workings of the E.R of a hospital. There was a young man who had been stabbed. He turned out to be ok.
While I was watching this show, there were some things that came into my mind that disturbed me. Thoughts of stabbing myself, and wondering what would happen. I had thoughts of stabbing myself in the leg or the arm. I didn’t want to die however. It was more like a thing to see how people would react, How much I would bleed, things like that. I had thoughts like this for the entire time the show was on. Once the show finished, the thoughts slowed, and I had realised that it wasn’t a healthy thing to be thinking about. It still haunts me a bit, even now.
I found when I was watching the show, it was like I was entranced in it. Like I moved into some alterior world. Day dreaming about stabbing myself. It was like I was visualising it. I could see the knife sticking out of my flesh on my leg. The blood around it.
There was a time, about 1-2 years ago, when late at night, I got a box cutter and started cutting at an old scar on the inside of my calf. I keept cutting until I had a hole around 2cm deep and 2cm round. When I walked it hurt. I didn’t mind. After about a week, it wasn’t getting any better, and I was getting pain though my entire calf muscle. I called into work sick, and went out to the after hours Dr in my area. I gove my mum some excuse about feeling ill, so she’d take me out. When I got in there, I showed the Dr the cut. She asked me what happened. I froze. I couldn’t tell her that I did it myself. I told her that I feel when doing the dishes and a knife went into my leg. Looking back at it, I don’t belive that she actually believed it… Anyway It was infected, and she said that I should have had stitches, but It was too healed now and she couldn’t do them. I go some anti-biotics and after about 3 weeks it was fine.
There have been times when I have done some strange things, out of curiousty.. out of wanting someone to notice.. calling out for help… back then no one did notice, no one helped… and now, even though I stil sometimes have thoughts of harming myself, I find myself being able to hold back. I try to get the feelings out, in a blog, or otherwise.. and then I find the feelings, and thoughts go. They are out of me, and onto the page. I’m not going to sit here and say that there are not times when I have feelings of killing myself, or harming myself; that would be a lie. There are still times, where I have self harmed, just maybe not by cutting, more by making myself sick by taking too many pills, or cutting the skin on my feet so when I walk I can feel the pain, or getting a pin and pinning my gums until they bleed. Am I healed? Of course not. I can’t deny that I still have thoughts of blood and cutting. I don’t know if there ever will be a day when I don’t think about it.