I guess I’m writing a blog everyday now. It’s mostly for me, because I doubt many people read my boring rants. But it’s good to let my thoughts out on a page, all splattered for me to see and decipher.
I’m feeling off this week. It’s probably the weather, but I blame everything on the weather. “It’s hot out? That means I’m happy. It’s dark and gloomy out? That means I have to be sad.” This mentality is weird for me. Before I used to prefer the cold weather and overcast days, but now I just want to soak in the sun and forget about the darkness in my past.
I’m feeling depressed and stressed and lonely. I’ve been trying to distract myself with things, like doing yoga and cleaning the house, something I have never done because I have this weird thing where I think I’m going to break everything if I touch it. I know it’s not true, but that’s what stops me from doing things like schoolwork and housework; fear of faliure. Like, how can one fail at cleaning? I have 0 self confidence in some areas in my life (well, most) and I want that to change. I just want to live a good life with good people and not second guess every thought I have.
Doesn’t help that I didn’t have therapy this week. I have youth group today which should be good, but I don’t even know what’s wrong so what am I supposed to say? So much has been going on for me lately and I feel like I’m crashing, but luckily I can catch myself before it happens.
It’s been a while since I felt this way. Defeated, faliure, like I have nothing important to contribute to the world. Sometimes I think I’m such an awful person, which makes no sense because I try to live a kind life and I have empathy for people around me.
Maybe I’m stressed about my future. I shouldn’t be, this is the time to be excited about all the good things coming my way. But it’s so difficult to get motivated for all these things I have to do…I know the only way they’ll get done is if I do them, but I feel so tired and I just want to sleep. I want to lean on someone while they pet my hair and tell me everything will be alright, ya know, someone who isn’t my mom.
Today I feel alone in my mind. Like no one will ever understand what goes on up here, because not even I do. Things seem to be going okay, yet I still feel empty and sad. My therapist tells me to “let your feelings be and don’t judge them” and I’m really trying. I guess it’s that mentality of “You aren’t allowed to be sad because people have it much worse than you.” But I can’t control what I feel. Feelings come and go to make room for more good space.