U know was going to  put my mood as angry but i think i will write this first and then see what fits.  Most of the time i am angry, paranoid, confused and depressed. I guess i am thankful for this site where i can express myself without hopefully being judged or told that im this, that and this and that, looked down on, pitied, hated and constantly being compared to other ppl.  The obsessiveness is also so unbearable that i sometimes am so overwhelmed by it that i can't leave my room let alone my house. I have this desire to know exactly where everything is and have everything organised and in perfect order, everything up to date, eg my bills and paperwork.  If its not it feels like it is the end of the world.  Sometimes it gets to the point its all so much for me that i can't move.  These are just day to day things that i find so difficult to get on with becuase i am so obsessive. 

The fact that i have paranoia about what i look like, whether i come across, look young and vulnerable or just dumb even though obviuously i don't want to look old is not helped by my parents.  They brought me up to believe that i would always be picked on, that i was weaker than others, ext…that ppl would mess me around and bully me.  Its probably because i have a mild form of autism (which may well have caused the OCD as i have read that ppl with autism often have OCD too) but because i was kept in the dark for so long i just assumed it must have been because of what i looked like. So yeah although my parents were over protective they never really helped me, supported me, in fact them wrapping me up in cotton wool probably did me more harm than good.  They did nothing to help me with the OCD which i had even in school except to tell me to snap out of it, i couldn't hold a job down because noone knew what the prob was.  The fact i coudln't focus because i was too busy obsessing was never something i could talk about.  Even in social situations i find it very hard to relax unless im absolutely hammered…but then im hammered and like anyone that can cause to other probs but typically i seem to get into way more trouble than anyone else when im drunk even though i never do anything awful and get home fine.  Wierd huh?  But then again im always in trouble.  Even when i was a child.  My brother and me used to fight like normal sibblings do but i always used to get the blame.  Typical. 

Then another big complex is about my figure.  My parents were always making me feel like i was too fat or too thin, even my nan did it (she's dying bless her but i can't help still resenting her).  They were always making comments about how i was more like this, my brother dressed more conservatively (ie he would be taken more seriously).  When i was twenty one i actually wanted to change the shape of my face which sounds hysterical doesnt it! haha! The shape of my face!  I just wished i had a stronger face with a stronger bone structure.  I did a beauty therapy couse but i guess the real reason i did it was so i could learn to put makeup better on myself.  Ppl used to tell me i was god awful at putting make up on apparently i left a line when i put my foundation on. In fact the girl that told me that was the one that my parents were constantly praising for her looks, her beauty, how well she presented herself.  My own mother even told me that my hair looked awful when i was 18 because it was bleached blonde.  I loved it.  even others loved it, but one day my beautiful friend came over and my mum banged on about how lovely her hair looked and why i coudln't get it done in different shades like her.  Because i had just had my confidence knocked by my bf dumping me i instntly thought it must be to do with what i looked like, booked an appointment at the hairdressers and had low lights and different shades put in.  i was really pleased with it, my brother had a house party and "that beautiful frined" was invited over to keep me company.  (She was also now being told that she was so sexy by my father and that all the men were looking at her).  She actually told me that my hair looked amazing, my mother laughed at me and told me i looked like a zebra.  Although these comments hit me really hard and i had to fight back tears while they were being said over and over it was not til a few years later that they hit me so hard, developed into an obsession, i ended up hating, resenting that friend.  Whenever we used to go out together random ppl would say that we looked like sisters, suddenly this angry thought would come into my head as i would remember my parents always going on about how great she looked etc..so i would think to myself "who am i?  The ugly sister.  The older one or the younger one? Cinderella's ugly sister?".  In the end i hated her so much, whenever a guy gave her attention i got angry, so angry that i was horrid to her, she was horrid to me, it all got really catty and we are no longer friends.  She accused me of being jealous, i denied it but i was and to this day i would probably struggle to be her friend.

So all these things on top of trying to cope with day to day life and not really being able to survive in this world as noone will really accept me.  I was thrown out of my accomodation twice last year and made redundant form my job at the end of the year.  Maybe its just conincidence but i do wonder if its me.  My work did know about my probs in the end and i am convinced that it was illegal for my landlady to just throew me out just like that.  I had no partner, no family to fall back on (as the reason i d moved out at twenty three was to escape them constantly belittling me, as i nearly had a nervous breakdown, i moved out for my own sanity)hardly any friends, nothing, the few friends i did have i was too embarrassed to call because i felt so ashamed although to my knowledge i did not know what i had done.  She just told me that i traumatized her. i used to go around as quiet as a mouse because i was scared of doing the wrong thing. It was bloody awful.  i was being kicked out of my job and my house at the wrong time and not one person could help me.  Those parents who were supposed to be so protectrive of me, so supportive…where were they when i could have done with them to back me up when i needed to confront my landlady or even find out what it was i was meant to have done wrong, where were they when work discriminated against me.  There were two things where the law should have been involved but noone could be bothered.  I couldn't  do it all alone.

I have so much more to say, rant anout, i could write a book but i know i have to try to do some chores…i am so behind.