Well I knew it was coming and by god i think its arrived. Woke up severely depressed and crying, searching in my heart for a reason to go on. Have been running manic for days, no sleep, racing thoughts and unable to finish even one small task.Luckily for me my therapist is on line with me and she helped me to wrap my head around some things that were bringing me down. I just sometimes get so very tired of this mental, physical, and financial struggle, even tho i know i have it better then some folks, and to them I look for inspiration.It still doesn't erase what goes through my mind, at times which is downright scary. I've always said I can't clean the house, because the day the house is clean is the day i die. Yet I also realize that if I am living in chaos within the house it sets the paradigms for my downfall. Downfalls I can't afford. I just want a month where nothing breaks down, with no hospitalizations or injuries.I can replace (not really, no $$, but in theory anyways) hot water heaters, electrical poles, and paint over the fire damage, At this point money is pretty much nonexistent. I berate myself constantly for not handling my money better in the past. If i had, I wouldn't be so cowered by my mere existence at this point.

I am still blaming myself for my sons suicide 2 years ago and no matter what people say the guilt is and probably always will be there. I can never get the brand thats seared into my brain of finding him hanging. I understand his pain so well, i live with it too, but what is most upsetting are the last words I said to him that night which were not what a loving mother would say. (Unless it was MY Mother) I have tried suicide many times, but never succeeded and I am jealous that he is now out of pain. Although I also rejoice in that fact. He suffered so miserably at times and i never knew how to help him (but i did try) and his denial of the problem made all that more difficult. No. I am not suicidal .I am too much of a coward for that. And my son took that option away from me when I saw how many lives are crushed because of his moment of despair when i was not there for him. So, I struggle on trying to find peace in my life and my brain trying not to blame myself for end of life decisions I had to make for my parents a at such a young age. And now my best friend of 13 + years, my dog.I do have 5 beautiful grandchildren that i LOVE with all my heart. But I live no where near them (across country) and even if i did i doubt i would see much of them. They have 5 grandmothers for petes sake. I don't really fit in becase I'm the crazy Grandma that begat the crazy son who left his 2 small children in this big old mean world by themselves. I am forever grateful to my ex daughter in law in making a choice for a life partner who is stable and loving and accepts my grandchildren as if they were his own.

Taking a break from this pity party I decided to go out and water my gardens pail by pail over a 1/4 acre. Forgetting that i was cooking my dear dogs food of rice and chicken. That is all she can eat now. the end is so close and i dont know how i will deal with that either. The house stinks! It is so full of smoke i have 5 fans going and every window open. Why can't I ever stay focused on what I am doing??? This is not a plea for help or a pity party ( ok maybe it is my pity party) but I find if i can release the words somewhere , sometimes it actually helps me. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. I'm not living in a tent yet, tho that too is coming, but i have some food in the pantry and my electric was not turned off this month! yea! i dont use the ac but it gets downright unbearabe when its 90 degrees inside the house. like I said i have 5 fans, and that too I am grateful for. I have a vehicle that runs when theres gas in it. I just wish I had not burned the only thing my dog can eat. I dont know what to do for her now. She cant keep anything other then rice and chicken down.

I have no right to these feelings especially on a day like today when so many people have died fighting for our country which unfortunately for them is always brought about by lying politcians who only want to keep the war machine going no matter how many innocents are killed over some countries politics, oil, and world power. I wish people could understand that peace is the way to go. I don't think there has ever been a time in world history where there actually was peace with no wars. Was there? I am forever humbled and grateful for all members of our military following orders that they sometimes don't understand or agree with. I 'm wondering again if our military will be ordered to shoot us,its citizens,like at Kent State. Seems as if we are headed in that direction again.Kids now a days don't even know or want to know about that era of hippies, protests, and woodstocks, long hair,drugs, make love not war, not trusting the establishment or anyone over the age of forty. Ok, I digress, and am dating myself. which is all ok in the scheme of life. We all have thoughts, some of us verbalize and some of us write. I believe the common ground should be with conversations and writing and verbalizing our fears and hopes with each other so that we may understand not only ourselves but our neighbors as well. At that end, I will leave this rant in search of food for my dog, and forever searching for peace in my mind and the world.

Love,

Mamabear