Wow, it’s been a long time. I recently went on a vacation to Colorado with my family, meaning no updates. Hooray.
Wow, Grey. Don’t get up out of your seat with excitement.
What exactly are you expecting, Eden?
I don’t know… maybe an opener that matches the excitement of the two movies mentioned in the title?
Well, that does actually have to do with what happened on vacation.
The conversation with Mom.
…You and I remember that “conversation” very differently.
I was going to let you talk about it. Now, I’m not so sure.
Why me? I’m your hidden, sarcastic, pessimistic, angry, depressive, asexual and gay… oh.
Yeah,”oh”. You are definitely an expert on this.
Fine. As long as you explain the pot of gold.
City of Gold, Eden.
So, yeah. Hey, I’m Eden. Grey’s pessimistic personality that she hardly lets any one see… or maybe she’s my optimistic personality.
I personally would like to be let out more, but Grey says that would be catastrophic. Normally I don’t agree, but this time? Yeah, I think I see her reasoning.
*calls off to the side* Don’t say a word, Grey! Not one word!
Anyways, we had a conversation with Mom. About why the anxiety issues had seemingly gotten worse. Mom does this thing where she just sits there and waits until Grey or I start the conversation. If either of us doesn’t speak, she will start to cry or wait. Staring at us. So, yeah, of course Grey caved even after all of our training to not say a thing.
Grey eventually asked Mom why being apart of the LGBTQ+ community was seemingly worse than anything else that the family was against. Mom began to compare it to an addiction, like my Grandfather’s alcohol issues. She said that certain measures had to be taken because there was worse consequences for being that way. Then Mom went to move on to a different subject, pretending that Grey hadn’t even mentioned anything.
I wanted to give Mom my two cents but Grey wouldn’t let me. Instead, she asked a question.
She asked, “What drastic measures did you have to take against Grandpa?”
Mom answered, “We had to take everything away from him. Give him a kind of “tough love” so he couldn’t hurt anyone. And if anyone were to partake in that kind of behavior or be apart of the LGBTQ+ community, we would have to take the same measures.”
I froze up immediately, numbness settling over me and I could tell the same was happening to Grey. Grey just nodded like she understood and somehow managed to give a fake smile.
In case you didn’t catch it, Mom literally said to our faces that she would take everything away from us if we came out. She told us a story how they had to take away my Grandpa’s wife, and only allowed him contact with one person in our family and that was only if he was willing to tell them that he had changed his ways.
So… yeah. We would get kicked out of the family. Mom smiled sweetly at us and said, “It would be only until they changed their mind. Forcing them to give up something makes them realize just how wrong their view is.”
I’m pretty sure that’s called bribing and forcing the family member to pretend that everything is okay.
But… Grey got Mom out of the room without an incident from me. Actually, I was too numb to do anything. In fact, Grey has been pretty on edge these past couple of days because I haven’t really been present. Kind of hiding lately. Both of us have to be present to actually function, but… it just doesn’t seem to work.
… I’m sorry, Grey, but how is there a City of Gold? I totally understand the whole Temple of Doom vibe, but, what???
Well… first off, we didn’t actually come out to our parents, so we still have a home to live in. Second, we know that it is not safe for either of us to come out until we can live on our own.
And how is that different from before?
Well, let’s face it. I’ve always been super optimistic and hopeful. No… wishful is the correct word. Wishing that my parents would change their minds and be accepting if we came out as not wanting to ever get married to guys. I have thought several times, wondering if I should come out and just see what happens. Now, we know what is going to happen without actually having to experience the consequences.
Yet. Eventually, we will have to come out.
Yeah, but… we won’t get kicked out of our house with no place to go. Hopefully, by then, we will have a support system.
But… our family will be gone.
Family isn’t who you share blood with. We have both just found out that the bio family is toxic. Do you really want to stay with a toxic family? No. We are going to find ourselves a supportive community. This is why we joined the Tribe!
*realizes that people are reading* Oh… sorry. I didn’t forget about you… just didn’t remember for a short minute that you were there?? Hehe.
If you are confused by the double personality, it’s just a way to rationalize my denying who I was in the past. When I talk to myself, alone, it’s nice to think there’s another person there. Also, it’s like a mask I put on around some people and hide from others.
I don’t know if that’s unhealthy but… I’m sure other people have masks that they put on too. And all of the masks are different parts of their personality… including the ‘fake ones’. It shows that the person is an actor and a fighter when they need to be 😉
So, yeah. Please, please, please don’t feel the need that you have to come out if it’s unsafe or you’re unsure about how people will react! Whether or not you actually know your gender or sexual orientation and/or whether or not you come out, you are valid and loved. <3
Thanks for listening!
They are reading, Grey, remember?
Come on, Eden! Just let me do a signing off deal!
I live to make your life miserable, Grey 😉
*rolls eyes* Don’t I know it.
See ya! *waves to readers*