I was hit with a wave of depression and anxiety I haven’t felt in a few years. I couldn’t sleep last night. I ended up alternating between staring at the wall and crying. And I don’t know why this started. I just know that I feel so alone in it because while my family tries to be supportive they don’t fully understand. They try, the listen as I go over the same thing over and over or comfort me when I can’t seem to stop crying, but I still feel so lonely. And like I’m a burden. They tell me I’m not and I appreciate it. Truly I do. But I just don’t feel it and they don’t seem to understand it.
They don’t understand I’m in a constant state of panic right now. That I want to talk but I can’t focus, not a lot can hold my attention when I’m like this. So there’s no distraction that lasts. One second I’m reading, the next I’m a weeping mess. I’m watching a movie but inside my head, I’m going over all the horrible things that I’m afraid might happen. I hate this fear. It’s unhealthy to feel it this much when you’re not in a life or death situation, but here I am.
I feel this fear in my whole being. It’s paralyzing. And I have no clue what triggered all of it. It’s almost like a switch in my brain just switched over to panic and got jammed.
So now I guess I am reaching out in the hopes that maybe someone out there understands, and maybe find people that I can relate to. Maybe some friends would help. Because as much as personally I’m a mess I’m pretty good at listening to others. It could be it’s a distraction from my own problems, or because I have a lot of empathy (a blessing and a curse depending on the day).
I just want something to help me not feel like this.