The only people in my life who love me are my parents. Unfortunately I can’t tell them how I’m really feeling because it’ll hurt them too much. Everyone else in my life is just superficial. Friends don’t really exist for me. In the past I’ve reached out and brushed it to the side that they often didn’t. Three years ago I met someone on social media and talking to this person is like talking to a fucking wall. Nine years ago I went to a support group because I was feeling more depressed and all my attempts to connect with them failed. I even had a woman at the support group ask me if I was trying to “fuck her” years ago. When I snapped at her she apologized about a year later. Even though she apologized it was disappointing that someone would think that. I often go back and forth between wanting to connect with others and just completely isolate myself from everyone. I was always trying to connect with others in the past but to no avail.

Today it just hit me to just stop trying. I don’t understand people going to a fucking support group for individuals with mental illness and not trying to make a connection with the people there. I used to think my nonexistent social life was a bad thing, but not anymore. People often say when you get negative intrusive thoughts it’s just the depression talking blah blah blah but that’s not true for me. I am truly alone. For a while now I’ve contemplated writing a suicide note, letting my parents know that it’s not their fault.