Hey everyone…Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving yesterday and a good day today…

We got home like at 4am yesterday so I was just way to wiped to post an entry on how things went…It was such a long day..

So, When we got there we were the first people to get there. which was kinda good yet bad. Already my anxiety was shooting up, And these people are huggers so I had to hug them, and I have major problems with hugging, or contact with others y'know.

Then with kyle, I could barely say 'hi' my voice was just gone, and my mom was like "Andrea, come on say hi don't be so shy" (she doesn't even know, she doesn't even fucking know…)

So I managed to say 'hi' to him- barely and hugged him…which was awkward…

and sortly, Fred and his children (Hana, and Evan) go there (Chucky was already there when we got there) and so another round of saying hi, and hugging started…ugh..

So after that, everyone started eating, and I had to say several times reasons why I didn't want to eat, like 'my stomach hurt' or 'i wasn't hungry'. The whole time I felt like Kyle kept giving me a kind of look when i'd give them an excuse (we were sitting at the same table) but didn't say anything.

I had to take 5 Xanax- at once- while I was there, I also escaped to the car for awhile, as well as being with the doggies Sunnyboy and Gracin. Though, they decided to take them for a walk…

It was Marie,Evan,Mom,Jonathan,Hana, Kyle and I was forced to go along. I ended up trailing behind them, because I just can't have people walking behind me, it makes me panic because I feel like i'm doing something weird or something and my thoughts just race…

It's hard to explain…but does it make sense to anyone else here?

So when we got back, I went to sit outside by the pool-To be alone. of course I wasn't able to do that for long. Kyle and Evan came outside and sat in the sitting area with me, then mom and my brother joined.

She started showing them her new window's surface or whatever it's called, and so Evan was messing with it, and there was a app where you could record videos, so jokingly he started to video tape those of us around.

When he got to me though, my heart felt like it was going to explode, So I turned away quickly so they wouldn't see my face and they laughed, and joked about it kinda imitating me like 'nooo, don't look at me!" or whatever.

and I just felt like an idiot….

But one thing that sent me over edge, was that MORE people who I had idea where coming- came. It was Bruce's sister, her boyfriend, the boyfriend's son and his cousin…

So I ran to the bathroom and had a melt down…I ended up cutting. I know I shouldn't have but I just broke down at that moment…Later on I went back out though, they were just messing around and hanging out.

Kyle was showing us the custom lights he put on his wheelchair, and the business he did for it and what not. later on Evan started playing random songs on the guitar and what not,

I found out me and kyle have some bands in common…But anyway, I was trying to stay away, just to be with the doggies and calm down but my mom kept pushing for me to be around others…

that's how it mostly went, bruce's sister and them left first then about an hour later Evan, Hana and fred left. we stayed longer out of anyone, we ended up leaving around 3am (got home at 4am)

so again as we were leaving, had to do through the hug round and what not. and like last time (when I saw kyle) when he hugged me it was tight, and he wouldn't let go for a time, so I felt sooo awkward. and he was like "it's good to see you, you look good" and so on…I can't take compliments…..

I know they don't mean it, it's probably out of pity…i don't deserve anything good said to or about me.

Before we left, we were also invited to Aaron band's concert (Dana's boyfriend) which at that time we found out he's planning on purposing to Dana, but no one can tell her..

Anxiety is shooting back up, the concert is on Dec. 1st. and I just know it's going to be a crazy, crowded night….and I'm not sure if I can handle it, I already tried asking my mom if I could skip out on it,

Of course she said no. it's like she wants my early death, but I can't blame her.

So that's basically how yesterday went, then today I was pulled out for Black-Friday shopping. which is possibly one of the worst days for me…I had multiple panic attacks, but had to hide them

I didn't want to be a burden to anyone…We were out there for hours and it was horrible, if anyone else goes to black-friday shopping, you get what i'm trying to say right?

So after hours of that hell, We got home. and shortly after my parents got into two separate fights, fought, made up, fought and made up again.

I couldn't get out of eating, so I had a purging session again…My throat is in alot of pain. But I couldn't not purge…it's just a really vicious cycle that has been going on for such a long time.

I'm not feeling good physically or emotionally…So I think that's it for my post…I hope everyone int he Tribe is having a good day…

I'll 'see' everyone later….bye.