I was mistaken…I see my ocd doctor tomorrow.  At the risk of sounding foolish, I have written down all these things that I have been experiencing over the past year and a half and plan to present them to her tomorrow, and to my general practice doctor next week.

  • Dizziness
  • Migraine headaches
  • A feeling of confusion
  • Memory problems (forgetting entire conversations; "remembering" things that never happened)
  • Depression
  • Thoughts of hurting myself
  • Upset stomach
  • Constipation
  • Talking to myself in another voice
  • No sexual desire
  • Problems focusing my vision
  • Feeling like I am "out of it"; I see out my eyes, but feel like my body is on autopilot
  • Fear of not being able to go to sleep
  • Increasing difficulty in writing and speaking
  • Problems walking and keeping balance
  • A sense that people or things that I see are not real
  • Aching joints (arthritis?)
  • Sharp pain in wrist (carpal tunnel syndrome?)
  • Insomnia
  • Not being able to wake up when I do get to sleep
  • Seizures?
  • Withdrawal from my family and friends
  • Loss of interest in just about everything
  • No energy

I feel completely drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I feel like I need to talk to someone who is a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, and a pastor at the same time.  I know that this is the most "messed up" I have been since I was diagnosed with ocd in 2001.  Several people have commented on some of my complaints, suggesting everything from aluminum poisoning to epilepsy to a vitamin B12 deficiency to a brain tumor.  The tumor has me concerned because my dad died with a brain tumor when he was in his 50’s.  I had a bad day today, and I fear that my worsening condition is beginning to affect me at work and at church.  I wish that I could know if this was physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, or a combination of any or all of these, because I feel that if I knew what was causing it, i could take steps to do something about it.  I have prayed about all this, but I am "hearing" (figuratively) conflicting things, and I know that God is not the author of confusion.  So I have decided to not make any big decisions until I can figure out what God is saying to me.  I view a lot of what has happened to me this year as an attack by satan, but at the same time, i realize that people with ocd tend to be very religious, and I would like to know how much of what is happening is really from the devil and how much of it is manufactured by my ocd.  Satan definitely attacks me though my ocd, because I feel that it is my greatest weakness.  I don’t know what will happen when I present this list to my doctor tomorrow, but I can’t continue to go on living like this.  I have to find some answers.  I appreciate any of your prayers.

God bless you all,

Shawn

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    Good luck tomorrow. my prayers go with you.

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