SO yesterday me and the boyfriend went to see about getting a mortgage and buying a house … I say see because we weren't looking to buy one right away but figure out what we needed to do to get to the point where we were okay to go for it . 

so of course we went to a mortgage specialist … made an appointment we were pretty close we need to save up a bit more of a down payment and all that jazz and I havnt been at my current job long enough but like I said two years down the road or so so there was lots of time for that …. anyways the guy treated me like I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoes .. not only that but when he asked me why I didnt enjoy dental and I got up the guts to mention my ocd he said " well I have a bottle of hand sanitizer I can get your a mortgage for" at that point I lost all respect for this man. To laugh in the face and mock someone who would possibly come to you to buy a house within a couple of years … obviously he dosn't need out business ….. because he's not going to get it  when the time comes now. 

on top of that ryan left for work today for two weeks ….. My anxiety has been through the roof the last couple of weeks … I need to get out of the habbit of forgetting my meds.  I almost need it stuck to my hand to remember taking it . I know thats my own fault but I just cant seem to get in the habbit of remembering it .  If anyone has any suggestions as to something I could do to help that i would be so appreciative of you posting it . 

 I only have a couple of weeks before I'll have to get a refferal again to that program I was in here where I seen the psychologist I was seeing …. 6 months after your last appointment your refferal is no good and you would have to be re-reffered.  i think that may be a reason that my anxiety level is so high…. I am someone who needs reassurance it's one of my obsessions …. just knowing that the program was there was good enough I knew if I needed her I could just pick up the phone and I would have my sessions back and that kind of helped me fight the urge not to call her …. " she's still there if I cant get through it on my own " Now she will not be there and it's hard for me to think  " she wont be there what if I cant get through it on my own "  It's so scary to me . I know I'm doing good on my own and I'm very strong but now the safety net is being pulled out from under me and I have to trust the harness i rigged up to support myself all on its own to save my life..  

I know I should trust myself and I do … I just dont trust my ocd it's like it likes to hit me the worst when my defences are weakened …. I'm sure you all know that all too well . 

Thanks for listening I needed to get that out. I hope this post finds you all well xox