So today I went to the doctor and he gave me the depression test. Well firstI cried even though I completely did not want to. Then he gave me the test and I surprised him because the question about suicide was "the hard one" but not for me because even if I have thought about it it was never seriously and I could never do it. I just think about what it would be like for my family if I did but thats it. Turns out the one that was hard for me and made me start crying (mom and dad were in the room even though they offered to leave) was how often I feel like I am a failure to myself and family and in life.

But anyways my test turned out to be inconclusive. This was my 1st time seeing this doctor even though he is my family doctor because we just got a new one… however I like him because he didn't say that I was wrong or insane (like I was scared of him doing) he just said that he beleived that I knew what I was talking about and going through because if any of you remember my blog the one entitled I'm Finally Ready… where I put down what I e-mailed my mom well she brought that e-mail and he said he nearly cried when he read it and thatI was very intelligent and astute. He also said that since I was so blunt I would most likely benefit from a psychologist.So we will have one figured out by this friday and I will start going there. I have no Idea if I will like it or not but I would like help…I think.

See I say I think because I have this wierd little fear that I don't know who I will be anymore once or if I get "cured" or "fixed" (like thats even possible! or at least doesn't seem like it right now anyways) then like I will change or something and be totally different like a stranger to myself. Or Iget rid of my depression and then I dont know how to livewith out it. My other fear had to do with medicine changing me but he said he doesn't like to give teens anti-depressent meds because it often has the opposite effect on them and my dad totally agreed.

My dad is the next subject. We have had our ups and downs but he has a chemical imbalance which results in depression and anxiety and having to take a pill everyday. When he came with me and found out about all this it brought us closer and I love him even more. He was just so supportive. When I cried when the doctor was in the room he held my hand even though he had to reach across my mom to do it. Then the doctor left to get his test questions andI started to cry- becauseI don't like talking about it because its hard to do- and my dad hugged me 🙂 then the same thing when the doctor left to get my mom a perscription for her sinus thing. Of course my mom was there rubbing my back and everything its not like she didn't do anything but my dad made the biggest difference and all he kept telling me was how proud he was of me. It makes me want to cry (happy tears for once) just thinking about it.

But thats how my first appointment went. Not sure how I will like the psychologist becauseI don't like talking about it because it leads to crying and I have done so much of that that I HATE it but…yeah. So thats what went on. Thanks for reading my blog even though it may have bored you to tears or made you call me a wimp/over-emotional or something for crying all the time but to anyone who has been sticking with my most recent blogs, and thus sticking with me, thank you…a lot =) and you know since your reading like every detail of my boring life and stuff I am always here to listen/read/talk about anything you want =)

~Taysia~