It's me again. And yes, it's early, but a LOT later than what I've been sleeping until. The night before last (or yesterday morning early, whatever you'd like to cal it) was absolute hell. I spent the whole day on Thursday trying to get ahold of my psychiatrist for some sleeping meds or something, ANYTHING, that would make this situation better. The Restless Leg Syndrome it's caused was so bad that my calfs were cramped up and screaming, and no matter what I took I couldn't sleep. I even took one of my husband's Sonatas (Rx sleeping pill) and only got 3 hours of sleep last night. My doctor had called back and told me to stop taking the Ritalin…I stopped taking the Ritalin over a month ago! And he won't be available again until Tuesday morning…So I turned to my family doctor, and she said on Friday that she doesn't prescribe sleeping pills at all. Doesn't matter the reason why.

So I had no medical help of any kind. I was in hell. Even the sound of my own breathing was enough to make me unable to sleep even though my body and mind screamed for it. I refused to take another Latuda. I know it's dangerous to come off a medication without help from your doctor but even the pharmacist wouldn't tell me what would happen, just that he wouldn't tell me what the side-effects were for withdrawal and that I had to call my doctor. Ummm…I DID that, and they didn't tell me anything!

Sadly I had gotten to the point that yesterday evening I was considering the unthinkable…but I made myself stay busy so that I wouldn't do anything stupid. For 5 hours I was up and down, trying to rest but unable to, getting on and off of the computer. Finally at 5:30 a.m. my husband came upstairs (our bedroom is down) and I had taken over my Mom's bed in hopes that maybe that would help because it's especially dark and quiet in there, but I still lay there while my legs screamed cramps and not able to sleep. He came over to the other side of the bed and laid down next to me, asking me to come back to our bed and he would help me try to sleep. I refused on the grounds that I hated being in that position because if I got up I would wake him up again, and possible our son who sleeps downstairs on the weekends. I started yelling and cussing at the whole situation and the doctors who put me in it in the first place and then left me hanging to fend for myself in an emergency, and then I started crying and sobbing. I felt like my heart was being ripped to shreds. He rubbed my back and wiped my face while I cried like a child, and then when I couldn't cry anymore he got undressed and climbed into the bed with me. Since I wasn't going back downstairs, he would stay here with me. I was so grateful. He understood how bad this situation really was, and what kind of danger it presented, so he stayed with me to prevent me from doing anything bad. So he laid down with me, and would tweek himself awake again if he started to nod off while I was still awake. Sleep finally came to me, for 2 hours at least, and then again an hour later I slept for another 2.

Tonight I slept from 9 a.m. until 4 a.m., a MOST welcome change! And I only took OTC sleep aids this time. The cramping in my calves are going away, and so has any desire to hurt myself.It was the mix of the lack of sleep and the medication that was making me crazy. I'm still tired, and probably will be for a few days at least, but I know I can go back to bed and rest now. I'm not touching another Latuda PERIOD. I don't care what my doctor has to say. Not doing it, now or ever again.

Peace to all. You are loved. You can get through anything. Keep holding on, even when it seems impossible.