Really tried to put on a good face today despite how I feel inside. It didn’t matter.  I went to my boyfriend’s house to give him his gift that I chose carefully remembering a few months he said he really would like to have one.  He didn’t even open it.  He walked about completely ignoring me and then he finally THREW a gift card on the table and said here I didn’t know what you wanted.  He said he just didn’t want to be bothered with anyone.  I left without taking the giftcard or my gift.  I just left.  Even with hard times for everyone,  I saved and put aside money throughout the year to make sure I could buy gifts, not extravagant, but just to put a smile on those I love faces.  How cruel can you be to hurt others that way and know you’re hurting those you’re suppose to love?  He knows he’s hurting me and his daughters, but his response is simply that’s why I don’t want to be bothered I just want to be left alone.  This year has been such a lonely one.  Last night I dreamed I found a rope in my garage and just ended it.  It was so real.  Maybe after tonight, I just need to carry it out.

12/26-Drove out of town today and window shopped to get away. No sense in sitting around thinking my boyfriend will be human enough to apologize for his behavior. Last night, I managed to get through the night without disturbing thoughts or dreams, but I was exhausted this morning. I need to ride the hurt out and realize that maybe someone better will come along who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Even if someone doesn’t come along, I need to treat myself the way I deserve.  Feeling better, it just takes time.  I just have to find the strength from above and within.