Well I went to bed around 4 or maybe 5 in the morning, turns out reference to blog by this one, that I WASTED A WEEK OF HARD BLOOD EFFORT WORK, just to be fiddled with, rode my bike there, was going only pay 175, but she wanted 50 more just to give bare, only had 40 more my last 40, so I surrendered it. As I was walking out of motel I felt so paranoid about the people with handcuffs, that I felt so numb, that I didn't careBut here I was this morning waking up with a extreme jot of negativity so bad, I was actually thinking about going to a doctor if not the hospital, to be put on something that would ease the trauma, problem is that, I have no fing idea of the state of my insurance, already in the hole least 800 some from all them months they delivered my meds which I never paid them, since I got in a habit of not having money set aside for the delivery guy since when I moved back to rochester in 2013, and told them I no longer live at a group home and no longer have morc services, guy I talked to via phone call, said I didn't have to pay delivery guy.. plus besides the 800 some still have the copay from old doctor who pre scripted me the antidepressants I was on which was I think like 193 since insurance wouldn't cover for all of it all a sudden, and I was unemployed than, and just didn't have the money to pay it off, and couldn't afford to go in to debt any further since I already owed the company of the group home I was staying at like 5000, which was sadly the only reason I just stopped taking my meds, cause I actually did wanna take them they were working super. Now here I am had been off them for months since February at least feeling rotten and numb. Only wish that my worker at Dhs would return my calls so I could figure out what the deal is with my insurance, if I tell my family about this they'll be anything but supportive, probably just make it worse by rubbing stuff in so negatively, blame me, probably try to have the apartment people kick me out, probably call the popo on me, cause he'll as bad as I ever felt, I have never been threatening to anyone or myself, even feel it very difficult to yell at someone when I'm not feeling swell, never had retaliated when I been attacked, not the type of guy likely to, since even in my worse states of mind I still have a sense of restraint, no matter how bad I felt, it tends to get better the worser I feel. But no one understands that especially my family even tho my talking to them again after like a good 3 years no contact, since August 2013. Well guess writing this blog has keyed downed the tension I was feeling when I got up. I shall try to have a passable day

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