1. Mondays are always hard.

2. Today my girlfriends son started his first day of school, he's 3. I think i love him so much more than i do her. i woke up so anxious as if he really was my child going to his first day of school ever. he cried when we left and grabbed my leg. i want that feeling from my own child…or atleast have that feeling during a better relationship.

3. I have been thinking a lot about my anxieties. I am becoming more and more disappointed in myself the more things that i realize that anxiety has kept me from. I hung out with an old college classmate – she was the first person i have chilled with, outside of my gf and my neighbor, in a very long time. I miss being around ppl who understand me. I miss feeling comfortable in my own home. my comfort level may not have as much do with others as it does with me. i just dont feel comfortable in my life. worse than any other time in my life probably.

4. When did i become so disconnected with life? i feel like im just….here. i work and work and work and do nothing that i enjoy. i spend my little free time sleeping. i love to read, play basketball, read….and cross stitch. but i dont do any of those things anymore. that makes me sad.

5. money is the root of all my unhappiness. i work so hard and spent so much of my life fighting for what i have and i cant even enjoy it. I spend all my time and energy trying to get myself out of this whole that I let "love" put me in. i give too much and end up with nothing. im scared to not give because my whole life giving was the only way i thought i could get ppl in my life not to leave. but ppl come and go and it usually has very little to do with what i do or can do for them. its a lesson i am still learning, learning the hard way.

** I'm going to see my therapist tonight. its been too long. but im so ashamed of how i have let my life be controlled by others to see her or anyone else. I have let myself be taken out of character and continued the same actions that do me no good. I'm more scared of not having the negative in my life than i have a want for things to get better. it is comfortable, its all i know. but its not getting me anywhere. I have to get a backbone and change what i dont like…