Every once in a while I end up seeing a shrink who suggests group therapy to me. Every time I try group therapy this awful thing happens. My pain resonates with the pain of others and I end up connecting, in unhealthy ways, with other people who are just as fucked up with me. I’ve formed some pretty toxic and destructive friendships and relationships this way. I cheated on my ex (whom I really loved a great deal even though I was way too messed up to appreciate him or demonstrate that love to him) way too many times this way. So my last shrink and my current one are suggesting online groups, which haven’t really proven to be any less of a cluster fuck for me, but I give them a shot because they ask me to and I try to be a good patient because I truly want to get better.

I’m a we. An “I” splintered into multiple personas to cope with the traumas of my life. There were a lot of them – they started early and were consistent, brutal, and crushing. I coped the best I could but I guess I finally broke. My ex lived with me through years of this dissociation and multiplicity – dealing with whoever I was at the time, however I treated him, whoever I’d bring home and whatever that version on me decided his relationship to me was at the time. I don’t know why he stuck around and let me treat him the way I did. In a way I’m thankful he did because I’m sure he’s the main reason I made it through many of those years and that he saved my life on multiple occassions. But I wish he hadn’t let me mistreat and hurt him the way I did.

Years of my life are a blur. There are patches I am cognizant of and huge chunks which are missing. There are hazy bits which flit in and and out of my recollection and there are some pieces I can stitch back together from reading the journals “we” kept.

Currently I am residing in a group home where there is 24 hour supervision and I don’t go anywhere alone. It’s best for everyone this way. Things really came to a head over the past few years and I was not a safe person for myself or anyone I came across. My brother, who is largely at fault for the way I am and the things I’ve lived through, has held up better over the years than I have and at least feels bad for the part he played in this mess which is now me. He has taken responsibility for my care and has moved across the country to be close to me and help me through this process.

We tried medications and talk therapy first. We tried unification. Now I am off all meds and am doing intensive hypnotherapy to jog loose everything I’ve forgotten and dissociated from over the years in hopes that by doing so, I will no longer be reliant on my alters/splinters/others to carry those burdens for me and once I am fully aware of everything and can carry it all myself, they will go away. I don’t know if it will work. Right now I just know I’m in pain a lot of the time and want to die frequently. The memories are so strong and real they feel like they’re happening all over again and I usually feel in a constant state of shock and terror.

My brother visits me every weekend. He takes me to dinner every Saturday night and on Sundays we usually spend the afternoon together. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I’m glad for these outings because he’s the only person I have in my life to get me out of this home and spend time with me, to make me remember there is a world out there beyond my fucked up head and maybe some day I’ll get to be part of it again. But it’s also hard to see him and spend time with him because I’m remembering everything, and that includes everything involving him – the good, the bad, the horrific. And I know he was just a fucked up kid, too, and try to cut him slack, and for the most part I forgive him because I know what he’s lived through. But when I’ve just recovered a memory and relived it like it’s brand new and then he comes to take me to dinner it’s kind of hard to sit across from him at dinner and not hate him.

I’m talking a lot to my ex as well. It’s shocking he will still speak to me after everything I put him, through. But we were together so long and through so much I guess it’s kind of a connection that’s hard to break. He helps me put things in perspective and helps me remember things more clearly because he was there for so much of my life. I miss him terribly and want nothing more than to be able to take back every shitty thing I ever did to him or made him do so we can be together again, but it’s too much to ask of anyone and he’s smarter than to ever trust me again. He’s moved far away now and is with someone new. He seems happy and I’m happy for him, though jealous I wasn’t the one to ever bring him that happiness and satisfaction.

I reached out to J. To apologize. I knew he wouldn’t talk to me again because I spent a long time being very unfair to him, though he’ll never understand how important he is to me or how much I relied on him and how many times having him to talk to kept me going all those years.

I have a lot of hard work ahead of me and a lot of the time I don’t think I am strong enough to do it. But I don’t really have missing time anymore, I don’t think I’m “switching out” and jumping ship and leaving command to alters anymore, so I suppose things are improving…slowly.

I am supposed to journal about how I feel and the things I recall during my treatment and I guess that’s what I’ll do here…though this seems like it’s pretty public so I don’t know how open I can really be.

Hoping to talk to my ex tonight.