It has occurred to me that there is an art to listening at 12 Step meetings such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA); to put it another way, there are some ways of approaching a 12 Step meeting that I have found can help me to benefit from the hour I spend at the meeting. Here are some guidelines I have put together especially for newcomers to 12 Step meetings; but I think some of us "old-timers" might need a refresher as well:

Compare In, Not Out! Keep an open mind.

Remember that the 12 Step Programs, like all organizations, have their own language, their own customs, and their own ways of doing things. When you hear something that doesn’t sound right to you, that you disagree with, that even offends you, avoid an all or nothing reaction (for ex., “That’s it! This Program is not for me!”). Set aside those objections and listen with an open mind. Try to have the mindset that I will listen for statements that I can relate to, rather than for ones I cannot relate to. In other words, try to compare yourself in, rather than out.

Try To Be Non-judgmental.

Everyone, it seems, has a little judge in the head who comments on what others say, with silent observations such as: "that's ridiculous!", or, "he can't even speak with good grammar", "she's only newly sober, what does she know?", etc. Try to quiet that little judge in your brain and listen for ideas and concepts and for feelings (see below). Some of the most profound statements I have heard at 12 Step meetings have come from individuals with little formal education but a Ph.D. in addiction and recovery.

Listen for Feelings and Genuineness.

The first time I ever sensed that there may be something spiritual going on at a 12 Step meeting was when I heard (and felt) real people sharing genuinely, from the heart, real feelings. You may not be able to relate to some of the factual details of a person's story, but you will almost always be able to relate to the feelings and state of mind of the speaker during active addiction and recovery.

Here are some ideas for the 12 Step Program newcomer in particular:

Anonymity is critically important to the integrity and vitality of AA. Please respect this fact and respect the confidentiality of persons present at the meeting. The identity of persons and what is said at the meeting should be kept confidential.

Because 12 Step members strive to be supportive of newcomers, you may be approached before or after the meeting, and asked questions similar to these: “How long you have been in the Program”, or, “Are you new to the Program”, or other questions seeking to see if you need some help. Answer honestly, perhaps along these lines, as appropriate to your situation: “I’m new; just trying to figure things out about my drinking or drug use.”

Members may offer to give you their telephone numbers to call them if you need help. Just accept them graciously. You always have the choice of whether or not to call. It is up to you whether or not you choose to give out your own number. A general guideline is that you should choose to accept help one on one from someone of your own gender to avoid complications unneeded in early recovery.

You may be asked to read some of the material customarily read at the outset of the meeting, You may elect to do so, or decline by saying something like: “Not this time, thanks.”, or “I don’t feel comfortable doing that, thanks.” If you decide to do the reading, be aware that it is expected that you identify yourself by first name and that you are an alcoholic or addict: “My name is —-, and I’m an alcoholic, or addict”

If you are called on to speak during the meeting, you can choose to share, or not. If not, the best response is probably: “I’m just going to listen”, or “I pass”. As always, be aware that it is expected that you identify yourself by first name and that you are an alcoholic or addict: “My name is —-, and I’m an alcoholic, or addict”

As always, comments are invited. Jan Edward Williams, www.alcoholdrugsos.com, 10/28/2013.