Today I went and seen my probation officer Matt. I was very honest, as I always am about my drinking. I may not be honest to many people about it, but he is one I trust. I told him how I went through a bottle of vodka in 3 days. I told him that I have brought 2 5ltr cast wines. I told him how I tried to stop and how I felt sick and awful when I stopped. He asked me some very hard questions. I can’t remember them all but I recall however I will tell you one. It went something like this:

Matt- “ so why do you drink so quickly?”

Jacqui- “ Cause I want to get drunk as quick as I can”

M- “ Why?””

J- “ So I don’t have to think anymore”

M- “What are you thinking about that makes you want to stop?”

J- “Everything….. My life and how stupid I am”

M- “ but when you stop drinking you still have to think..”

J – “ I know.. but I can’t deal with that”

And this conversation went on for quite a while. He asked me at what time do I start drinking.. I told him as early as 10am. He asked me if I have cravings for it. OMG yes I do. When I’m not drinking, I’m thinking about drinking. We both came to the conclusion that I need help. I can’t do this on my own.  He made the call. He called a drug and alcohol counselling service. They said they had to talk to me so they will be calling me back. I’m so glad that he made this call for me as I know I would have found it too hard to do it myself.  We had a long conversation about Christmas coming up. He asked me how I’m going to cope with everyone drinking around me. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Christmas lunch here is always BYO so I’m free to bring as much as I want. Then again I don’t want to be drinking around everyone. I would much rather get drunk, at home, by myself. But I know this is not going to be an option for me.

Matt also asked me if I had ever ruined any functions because of my drinking. Yes I have. At one “end of year dinner” for work, an ambulance was called to get me, cause no one could revive me. That’s how drunk I was. The next year I drunk, but not as much. I waited until I got into town and drunk with my mates from work. Then the year after that (held at a brewery .. go figure).. I drunk myself stupid. That was last year. I know I’m not the first person to get blind drunk at a work dinner, but geez two times?!! I also got blindly drunk at my dads wedding, which was back in October. Me and my new step-brother got soo drunk. We were having a drinking competition. It wasn’t until my dad grabbed the large bottle of vodka from us that mum decided that it was time that we left. I remember walking out to the car, and falling into a creek next to where the car was parked. By the time we got to the BnB that we were staying at I was well on the way to passing out. (the BnB was only about 5 mins up the road btw). I remember talking to my best friend Beth on the phone, and I just started vomiting. Poor Beth. I’m sorry that he had to hear that. Anyway not my proudest moments. See I’m on these strange people that prefers to drink on my own. I don’t know why. But I do. I have gone to great lengths to hide my drinking. A few times I have booked out a hotel room for the night… then I can just drink myself stupid and not worry about having someone bust me.

 I have no idea much money I have spend on my drinking, and I’d hate to know. I should be saving or paying off my many many debts. But nooooo…. I go to the bottle shop and drink my last few dollars. I’m such a stupid person. I know if I was to see someone like me, I would think that they are a lost cause… no point even trying.

I’m quite scared of what is going to happen with the alcohol counselling. I have no idea what they are going to ask me, I have no idea what I will have to do. Sigh.. what a daunting prospect. But at least I have kept my promise to Beth…. I asked Matt for help.. well kind of anyway..