I finally got a call back from the psychologist I have been ringing over the last month. I can’t believe it took her soo long to call me back. I called her numerous times, and today I told her secretary that if she didn’t call me back I was going to see someone else. Of course this was somewhat of an empty threat but it got the job done.

I called her this morning. Along with making a call to my drs about getting a repeat of my prescription of Anti-depression meds. Both of which made my heard jump when I made the calls. I don’t know why making phone calls is such an issue for me. I mean I worked for a telco, so I’m used to talking to people on the phone. I guess it’s the whole thing about me asking for help. Its not something I do. I don’t say no and I don’t ask for help. I’m just a pushover that floats in the wind.

I was on the bus on the way back home from seeing Matt. I was talking to one of my little sisters friends that I have known for along time. When I felt the phone vibrate I first thought it was the alcohol counselling people that Matt had referred me to. So I answered it. It was her. Elizabeth is her name. It was the first time that I had talked to her, so I tried to make a good impression. I don’t know if that worked or not, but I guess I tried. I made myself sound upbeat. Was that a good idea? Hmm I don’t know. Maybe I should have made myself sound upset, but I couldn’t do that with my sisters friend sitting right next to me could I… She booked me in.. I can’t believe it… I have an appointment on Friday at 3pm. Ohhh My GOD!! I’m soo scared. What if she doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like her? What if she pushes my buttons and I yell at her? Does that mean that I wont see her again? Are you allowed to yell at a therapist? Hmm.. I don’t know what’s more scary. Going to see a psychologist OR talking to a drug and alcohol councellor??????? I am totally screwed.

I know that there are going to be people who see this as a great move, friends that have been on my back to get this done for a long time (44 and beth I’m talking to you). I still have many many  reservations about going.  I have no idea what the heck I’m going to say to her.

Everything seems to be happening soo fast. I need to put the brakes on.. I feel totally overwhelmed. Soo many things in one week.

I am so weak. This should not be an issue.. I know everyone is going to say “Good one jac!” “about time jac” but .. honestly. I don’t know weather to laugh or cry.   Crying seems like a better option. No tears will come. OMG that’s another thing.. what if I cry in therapy???? OMG.. this is not good, not good at all…